Hairu tending to a sick Ui who thinks the world is dying because he feels like he is. But it’s only a cold.

“H-hairu.” Ui’s teeth chatter. “I hurt all over.”

Hairu wakes up immediately. She flicks on the light. It’s four am, and Ui looks like hell.

She presses her hand against his forehead. “You’re hot in more than one way.”

Ui moans. “Probably poisoned by ghouls.” He knew he should have had someone look at that kagune scrape on his arm.

“Ui, your scrape is gone.” Hairu leaps out of bed. “Wait here.”

“Come back,” he whines. “You were warm.”

She returns with a steaming cup of tea and two Tylenol. “For your fever, my sweetheart.”

“I feel like I’m dying. I haven’t been sick for ages.”

Hairu rubs his back. “You do realize you’ve only caught the same cold Hirako had last week?”

“No. I’m dying. Use me to sicken the ghouls.” Ui finishes the tea and collapses onto the pillows.

Hairu laughs. “You’ll sicken them with how healthy you are. Now, sleep.”

When he awakens in the morning, he’s surprised to find Hairu still here. “Aren’t you working?”

“Hmm? I called out.” Hairu lends him her most winning smile. “With you sick and dying, I need to take care of you.”

She’s so sweet, he almost feels better already.

Koori and Hairu celebrating each other’s birthdays!

The morning of October 1st, Hairu wakes Ui with a shower of confetti. “Look!”

“Huh?” he asks groggily.

“It’s exactly two days after my birthday and two days before yours.” Hairu pokes him. “It’s Uihai day!”

“Is that what we’re calling it,” he teases.

“Yes. Get up. I made breakfast plans.” Hairu tosses her hair. She fiddles with the framed portrait of Squad Zero Ui gave her two days ago.

“Okay, okay.”

When they enter CCG, caffeinated and happily full, Ihei Shio runs up. “Happy Uihai Day!”

“You did not convince them this was a holiday.” Ui sounds suspicious.

“I 100% did!”

“We wanted it to be a holiday. We like you.” Arima Yusa is perturbed. “Why don’t you like us liking you?”

“I do, I do!” Ui squawks, waving his arms like a demented bird.

“We made you something.” Rikai smiles shyly as she holds out a box. “Well, really, we bought them. But still.”

“We custom-ordered,” sings Shio.

Hairu giggles with delight as they open the package together. Ui laughs when he sees a pair of kokeshi dolls, one with black hair and the other with pink.

“Just like you described,” he says.

Hairu embraces the kids. “How did you know?”

“Arima told us. We may have used his credit card,” Yusa admits.

“They’re perfect.” Hairu kisses Ui on the cheek.

“Almost as perfect as you.” Ui winks.

Masanori wants to know how babies are made

Masanori is getting his own asks! @hamliet you should be proud. The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT live on.

“Daddy.” Masanori frowns at his rice. “Uncle Shuu and Aunt Karren are having another baby. I don’t understand how.”

Ui spits out his water. He freezes. Across the table, Hairu smirks at him.

“Well, have you heard of the stork?” Ui asks nervously.

“The stork is a lie. Auntie Eto told me the baby is in Karren’s belly.” Masanori cocks his head. “I want to know how.”

Ui’s hands are now clammy. “Uh…”

“How did you make me, Mommy?” Masanori’s eyes pierce her.

“Well.” Hairu finds this both amusing and horrifying. She’s going to kill Eto. “See, when a two people love each other very much – they can – um – fit their bodies together in a certain way – and a baby can result.”

“What way?” Masanori’s eyes are round. He’s going to have to tell all his friends.

Ui’s practically hyperventilating. “You’ll learn when you’re older.”

“That’s a cowardly answer, Daddy.” Masanori looks so crushed, Ui almost feels bad.

Hairu sighs. “Okay, time for an anatomy lesson.”

“Can we not?” Ui shrieks.

“He has to learn sometime. Better he be informed.” Hairu stands. “Help me with this, Ui.”

When she finishes explaining, Masanori’s mouth hangs open. “You guys did that?”

Ui babbles incoherently.

“Yes, and it’s something you only do if you want to. It’s special,” Hairu says, patting Masanori on the head. Strangely enough, the more she talked, the more comfortable she felt.

As soon as he leaves the room to ponder his newfound wisdom, Hairu dials Eto’s phone. “Hi. We hate you.”

uihai wherein hairu finds out she is pregnant and ui does not yet know she is part ghoul. bonus if arima is still alive and hairu is worried about telling ui about her pregnancy and if hirako and 0 squad kidlets make an appearance. the ghoul thing should come out somehow… some way… and give ui another existential crisis

I mean Ui is basically one walking existential crisis.

SO much Uihai angst! Much love.

“Hairu is – I mean – um – Hairu is pregnant,” Ui tells Arima, gripping his lover’s hand. “We’re going to keep the baby.”

To his surprise, Arima isn’t angry, but he does exchange a long, firm look with Hairu. “I’m assuming Ui is the father.”

“Yes,” Ui says quickly.

“Congratulations,” Arima says, albeit stiffly.

When they leave his office, Hirako is waiting with a smirk. “Finally, Ui, you learn what it’s like to disappoint your father.”

“It’s as much me as him,” Hairu cuts in.

“Hey, I’m happy for you both. Arima is too. He’s just emotionally constipated.” Hirako shrugs and wanders into Arima’s office.

“Don’t worry.” Ui hugs her. “If worse comes to worse, I’ll distract the gossips and you punch them.”

But that’s not why she’s worried.

Arima texts Hairu an hour later. You need to tell him.

My child needs a father, she replies.

Don’t think so little of him, he types back.

Oh, like you told Hirako and not Koori? Hairu sighs. She ought to be happy right now. She and her beloved Koori are having a baby. She’s always wanted to be a mom. Sorry, Arima.

But when her genetic tests come back in her fourth month, Hairu plans to burn them before Ui sees the Rc count. She crumples the paper on her desk and staggers to the bathroom first.

But before she can, she spins around to see Ui reading them, with all the excitement of a normal father to be.

“Uh.” Hairu freezes.

“They’re Rc-count is wild. Is this a joke?” Ui looks horrified. “What if someone’s been poisoning you? Hairu! How do you feel?”

“Cranky and fat,” she tries to joke.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Kijima appears with a gaggle of guards behind him. “Ihei Hairu, you are under arrest under suspicion of harboring a ghoul’s child.”

Ui gasps. “How dare you!”

“You aren’t touching me or my baby!” Hairu knocks Kijima back. She turns to Ui. “It’s yours, I swear.”

“I know.” Ui is perplexed. “Why is the Rc count so off?”

Kijima twists Hairu’s hand behind her back.

“Get away from her!” Ui cries, shoving him.

“It’s off because we are Washuus.” Arima Kishou storms his way in. Hirako, Shio, Yusa, and Rikai are on his left; Haise Sasaki and the Quinx at his right. “We have an abnormally high Rc count.”

His lips curl. “The result of interbreeding humans and ghouls. In test tubes.”

Ui grips the desk to keep from falling. “Hairu, is it true?”

Hairu nods. She slumps over in the Kijima’s arms. He must have special plans for a pregnant ghoul.

“Release her,” orders Arima.

“Do you have the authority, ghoul?” Kijima laughs.

“I’ll say he does,” Sasaki says, and Hirako affirms.

Ui meets Hairu’s eyes and mouths a word.

“Look!” Ui gasps and points behind Kijima.

The inspector whirls around, and Hairu punches him in the back of his head. She leaps into Ui’s arms.

“I don’t care what Hairu is or what our baby is. Get away,” Ui seethes.

“You’re surrounded by hybrids. I’d do as he commands,” Shio adds.

“Well, it’s happening. Congrats, you two are gonna bring down CCG.” Arima shrugs.

Ui cups Hairu’s face in his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was s-scared, Koori. I want you. The baby needs you.”

“And I need you both.” Ui embraces her.

“Hi.” Hirako waves his hand. “Hi, lovebirds. We have a Bureau to overthrow.”

uihai spend the night together (maybe slightly nsfw?) and in the morning furuta shows up to tell ui hairu’s part ghoul. cue angst.

I love this. Credit to @hamliet for dreaming that Hairu would ask Ui if he’s a virgin.

“Koori, you don’t have to go.” Ihei Hairu tugs him closer.

“I don’t?” Sweat beads Ui’s brow.

“No.” She shakes her head.

Ui kisses her gently, but she’s already ravenous. She wraps her legs around him, and he hoists her up.

He shouldn’t.

But he wants her. He wants Hairu.

“Are you a virgin?” Hairu winks at him.

Ui flushes. A lump rises in his throat, and he can only nod.

“Me too,” she whispers, unfazed. “Wanna help each other out with that?”

“You’re precious.” Ui begins kissing her heavily, and she’s helping him lift her shirt, and he’s gaping at her perfect chest. Then she’s tickling him until he returns the favor.

“So strong,” she teases, running her fingers down his chest.

“So are you.” Ui has never felt this whole before.

The next morning, he awakens to see Hairu smiling at him.

“How long have you been waiting?”

“I don’t know. I was lost to time looking at you,” she says over-dramatically, drawing a laugh from Ui.

Their door bangs open.

“Well, well, well.” Nimura Furuta stands there, his face entirely too pleased.

“What are you doing?” Ui shrieks.

Hairu, however, is dead white. “P – please.”

“Nah.” Furuta saunters closer and drags a naked Hairu out of bed.

“Koori!” Hairu cries out, but Furuta’s arm is locked around her neck.

“Get your hands off her!” Ui is sans clothing himself, but Hairu is more important.

“Ah, ah.” Furuta chuckles, pulling her further back. “Wow, you’re small. Anyhow! Don’t worry, I won’t fuck your bitch. We’re practically siblings. That’s, like, incest. Oh! Want to know how we grew up?”

Hairu jerks. Tears pool in her eyes. Anything but that.

Ui frowns. “Siblings?”

He’s so innocent. He’s going to hate her. Hairu shakes her head wildly.

“Tell him, dearie.” Furuta tightens his grip around Hairu. “Tell him what you are. What all of us Washuus are.”

Hairu sobs.

“I said tell him, or I’ll kill him.” Furuta whispers.

Hairu’s mouth opens. She speaks as quickly as she can. “We’re part ghoul.”

Furuta doubles over. “You fucked a ghoul! Ui Koori fucked a ghoul!”

“No!” Hairu screams and, with a well aimed kick, sends Furuta’s head cracking into her wall.

She fixes her eyes on him, lest she see Ui.

Should she have told him? When? Hairu frees another sob.

“H – hairu?” Ui is shaking. “I’ve seen you eat. It can’t be true. What does he have on you?”

“He has … that it’s true.” Hairu turns around. Her eyes are bloodshot. “We’re all part-ghoul, we garden children. I didn’t – I didn’t ask for this.”

Garden kids? Arima, too? Shio and Rikai and Yusa? Ui’s mind spins. The betrayal – the lies –

He leaves her room, and Hairu collapses besides Furuta’s unconscious body. She heaves sob after sob.

Her door opens again, and she can only assume Ui’s called CCG to arrest her, naked and ashamed.

He stands there, still naked himself, with tissues. “We’re going to call CCG on him for harassment, and then we’ll talk over breakfast. Okay?”

UI hasn’t believed ghouls capable of love.

But he recognizes the relief in Hairu’s eyes. And he knows he loves her, too.

“We’ll get through this. I’ll listen.”

Ui seeing hairu die infront of him

Why would you do this to me.

Ui is busy fighting three of Tsukiyama’s bodyguards all at once, but he still spies on Hairu across the yard. She’s battling that lady bodyguard, Tsukiyama’s knight, the one with the nasty koukaku.

And just when Ui has knocked down the last bodyguard, he’s pleased to see that Hairu is holding her own.

And then – she slips.

The Knight impales her abdomen.

Ui screams, but Hairu draws T-human and fires lighting at the Knight. She stumbles back.

He’s running but not fast enough. Another bodyguard jumps in and – just like that – Hairu’s head falls.

Ui’s scream can never be shrill enough, angry enough, painful enough. He screams until he wishes he were dead, and the ghouls wish they were dead.

Before leaving the scene, Matsumae watches the black-haired investigator strike Mairo’s head over and over. So he, too, is motivated by emotion.

The investigator wails again, checking for a pulse on a decapitated body.

Matsumae feels a twinge of – well – for just a moment – she wishes she hadn’t killed the investigator.

Uncle Shio babysitting! With the help of Yusa and Rikai of course!

Shio is determined to be the best uncle.

Featuring Masanori, the Uihai child for @hamliet‘s “The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT.”

“Uncle Shio!” Masanori slides down the staircase railing to tumble at Shio’s feet.

“Be careful!” squawks Rikai, lifting Masanori off the floor.

Masanori giggles. “Always.”

“You mean never,” teases Yusa.

“Yup!” Masanori grabs Shio’s hands. “Will you play paint with me?”

“Play paint?” Shio frowns, but he soon learns that Masanori enjoys smearing paint all over people’s faces.

“We look like ogres!” announces the child with glee. His face is green and black.

“You’re a cute ogre,” says Shio. “Want a piggyback ride? We can go get ice cream.”

“Yesssss!” Masanori bounces up and down.

Sporting their creepy pair masks, the three Zero Squad children take turns lifting Masanori up, so he’s “almost as tall as Dad,” as they stroll to the ice cream store.

An elderly woman scowls at them, and Shio just gives her a sweet smile in return. People don’t like kids with ghoul blood. Shio hopes the world changes before Masanori grows up.

“Ghouls!”

“Happy ghouls,” Rikai retorts.

Masanori frowns. “Why don’t they like me? You said I’m cute.”

“You are,” Yusa says quickly.

“Some people are just scared of special people, like you.” Shio smiles. “They were scared of us, too. But we showed them.”

Masanori nods thoughtfully.

“Now, what flavor?”

Shio hopes the conversation is forgotten, because all he wants is happiness for his nephew. But as they’re walking home, Masanori returns to the old lady.

“Uncle Shio, I want to be like you,” says Masanori, chocolate smeared over his mask. “You’re so nice to stupid people.”

Shio melts internally. His eyes bug out. “I love you, Masanori!”

“I love you, too.” Masanori giggles and rubs chocolate onto Shio’s jacket.

Uihai/Tangled

Anonymous asked: After that Mulan-Mutsurie mashup, I dare you to write Disney-film mashups for: Ayahina, Touken, Takirona, Akiramon, Uihai, Nishikimi, Tsukikana, Arieto, and Shiraiko. Ty and good night.

I’ll be posting these once a day (probably) until the list is done!

Mulan/Mutsurie Mashup: Here.

Sleeping Beauty/Ayahina: Here.

“Koori!” Hairu tries to scream as Dr. Kanou slices CCG’s hope, her best friend, nearly in half. She chokes on her gag. “No!”

“Now look what you’ve done, ghoul.” Kanou kicks Ui aside. “He’s like all humans. As soon as he knows you’re part ghoul, he’d abandon you.”

Hairu shrieks through the cloth in her mouth.

“Oh, yes.” Kanou’s eyes glitter. “You’re coming with me, my creation.”

“No, I’m not! Koori!” She finally spits out the gag and lunges forward, but Kanou’s strong arms push her back.

“I only heal ghouls, and that one would never consent to be part ghoul. Humans like him are disposable fools. People like you – half-humans – you’re the valuable experiments, my dear.” Kanou drags Hairu by her chains.

“No!” Shio races forward, but Kanou’s kick sends him sprawling backwards.

“Stop fighting me! You owe me your life!”

“I won’t!” Hairu collapses to the floor. She glares up at Kanou, because she has faith in Koori. Their love can overcome her heritage. “I will never stop fighting you, every second of my life! I will never stop trying to escape you!”

She sobs. “But if you let me save him now – give him a drop of my medicine – I’ll go. Willingly. I’ll be your immortality.”

“No,” Ui moans, and Shio cries harder.

Dr. Kanou chains Ui to the wall. “Don’t get any ideas, Mr. Ethics.”

“Koori!” Hairu throws herself upon him, caressing his face and kissing his forehead.

Ui cranes his neck to kiss her, the pain in his abdomen sends him crashing back down.

“I’m so sorry.” Hairu yanks up his shirt to see his entrails pouring out of him. She wants to vomit. This is – this is happening to someone she loves.

She lifts the life-giving Rc medicine. The bottle that reattached her head, that revived her spirit. “You’re gonna be okay.”

“I can’t – can’t let you.”

“And I can’t let you die.” Hairu’s eyes, a ghoul’s eyes, smile back at him.

“If you do this, you will die. Again. In a manner worse than death.” Ui can’t believe how selfish he was, to bring her back and get himself hurt for this.

“Hairu.” He reaches towards her – and shoves the bottle to the floor. It shatters into a thousand pieces.

“Koori!” Hairu cries.

“No!” Kanou screeches. With Shirazu gone, all he has left is Hairu and the medicine. “No!”

Shio leaps forward again, and Rikai and Yusa appear to tackle the doctor.

“Koori.” Hairu whimpers. “I can’t save you. I need you.”

“I needed you. To tell you … one last time … how much I loved you.” Ui feels cold around his edges. So this is death. If Arima can walk it, so can he.

“You never needed to. I know.” Hairu’s tears fall into his open mouth.

And suddenly, his wound begins to brighten. The blood begins to slow, and new flesh covers his intestines.

“The medicine. My tears!” Hairu gasps.

Ui coughs. “H – Hairu.”

“Koori?” Hairu trembles.

“Did I ever tell you I kinda like ghouls now?” He smiles, and Hairu squeezes him in a bear hug.

When the Squad 0 kids look up, their mentors are kissing.

Koori trying to put together IKEA furniture

Whoever you are, Nonny-Mouse, I love you for this ask.

Ui Koori closes his eyes, leans back, and screams.

“Wow.” Hirako Take leans around the corner, from where he and Arima Kishou are constructing a bed for Koori and his newlywed Ihei Hairu. Arima has had zero problems putting together this blasted furniture; in fact, everything finished can be attributed to him.

“I hate all the tiny, tiny pieces and pieces and more pieces and more pieces! Give me ghouls any day.”

“Koori!” Hairu hurries in from the bathroom, which she just finished decorating with the seashells they collected on their honeymoon. “What’s wrong?”

Ui points to the misshapen cabinets. “I fucked-ed it up. Wah. Help me.”

“Koori.” Hairu giggles and sits beside him.

“I read the instructions even,” Ui complains. Arima didn’t even have to. He just knew.

Arima would be a better husband to Hairu.

Hairu delivers a knowing glance. She can sense his insecurity.

“You’re doing amazing, sweetie.” She tickles him, and Ui squeals.

“Aieee!”

“Now, two brains are better than one, right team?” Hairu smiles and opens the guide again.

Half an hour later, the cabinets are finished, but Hairu herself keeps muttering about Arima’s uncanny furniture ability.

Ui winks at her, and she nods.

Their plan is set.

Arima walks by, carrying their couch by himself, and they both dive at him. Ui grabs his feet, Hairu his neck. “Tickle tickle!”

Arima just stares. “I’m…not ticklish.”

“He’s the inspector without flaws, remember?” Hirako calls.

Ui frowns, but Hairu shoots back, “Does that mean you’ve tried this too?!”

Ui and Hairu switch bodies

Dr. Kanou quivers with excitement. On Furuta Nimura’s suggestion, Ui Koori and Ihei Hairu are about to become his newest subjects.

They clink their glasses of soda together and take sips.

Kanou sweats with glee. They each think the other has provided the special sodas that appeared on their disks, and Koori’s inability to ask and Hairu’s trust are about to deliver the shock of their lives.

“Uh.” Ui falls first. His can spills onto the floor.

Hairu stands and tries to yell his name, but she too crumbles before she can finish.

When Ui awakes, something feels different. His hair is pink.

And he’s staring at himself.

“Am I dead?” he asks aloud, trying to ground himself in reality.

But no. He has – well – breasts now, and he’s wearing lacy tights. Damn are they uncomfortable.

“What am I?” Ui’s body screams.

“Hairu!” he yells in Hairu’s voice.

“Koori?” Hairu stares at the pink liquid oozing over the ground. “Collect it! We have to – this is some mad ghoul magic!”

She pauses. “Koori, why does your body have to go to the bathroom.”

“Don’t!” Ui yelps.

“Do I have a choice?” Hairu-as-Ui retorts.

“What do we do? Is this even real?” Ui wails.

Arima pokes his head in. “Is everything okay?”

“We just switched bodies,” Hairu-as-Ui says.

Arima raises an eyebrow. “Have fun.”

“He doesn’t believe me!”

“Why would he?” Ui-as-Hairu exclaims. He has to use the bathroom too, but no, he won’t – he won’t do that to Hairu.

“Maybe if we drink it again, we can reverse it.” Hairu shakes. “Otherwise, we’re doomed to have no one believe us.”

“Maybe we’ll just become more each other.” Ui scowls.

“Don’t be a naysayer!”

But Hairu’s idea fails, and after they’ve shipped the drink off to CCG’s lab, Arima announces their next mission.

“I’m sorry,” Hairu tells Ui as they ready their briefcases. “But I need to pee so much I’m going to get us all killed.”

Ui watches her stride into the bathroom with a red face.

Of course, she winks at him when he returns, and Ui wonders if maybe their solution isn’t to allow themselves to be killed by ghouls.

“Calm down. I’m not going to be an ass,” Hairu says in a small voice.

“I know.” He squeezes her hand, and they ready themselves for battle, though Ui does exchange their briefcases. No way they should risk fighting with unfamiliar quinques.

When they return, HIrako is eyeing them. “Why did you fight with each other’s quinque?”

“We switched bodies for a day,” Hairu-as-Ui tells him.

He scoffs, but the kids are giggling and quickly distract him by constructing their own body-switching ideas.

Hairu finds a message on Ui’s machine from a lab technician, detailing exactly what enzyme has switched. A quick google search turns up how to undo the binding mechanism, and she immediately races to the lab.

Ui hurries after her. “Aren’t we going to get in trouble for breaking in?”

“Shut it.” Hairu rolls her eyes and scrummages through the cabinets for the correct enzyme. “Here.”

She pours them shots – because of course she has shot glasses – and they each gulp down the chemicals.

When they awaken, Hairu cheers. “Ui, I’m back.”

Ui nods eagerly. He’s about to ask if he can kiss her now, when she shrieks, “Oh my god, didn’t you use the bathroom?!”

“I was trying to be a gentleman!”

Hairu sticks out her tongue. “Remind me to kiss you after.”

Watching from the shadows, Dr. Kanou has to admit he’s impressed.