Masanori wants a pet!

More Masanori asks! Hurrah! featuring the Uihai hellion from @hamliet‘s “The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT.”

“Mommy, can I have an owl?” Masanori peers up at Hairu.

“An owl?” Hairu laughs. “Why would you want that?”

“Because Aunt Eto says she was an owl and Aunt Eto is fun.” Masanori hops up and down. “I want fun.”

“Aren’t we fun?” Ui is appalled.

“Daddy, you are very fun.” Masanori giggles. “But I want something feathery. Please? It’s my birthday soon.”

Hairu hesitates. “We’ll see what we can do.”

As soon as Masanori has skipped off, Ui hisses, “You know he can’t have an owl!”

“He can have a parrot or something!” Hairu grins. “It will be pretty!”

Ui’s shoulders slump. Birds are messy. Pets are messy.

But it will make his wife and child happy, and therefore, Ui will get them a parrot.

———————————————-

“Fuck,” says the parrot after Ui presents the bright yellow creature to his family.

Hairu yelps.

“Don’t say that,” Ui protests.

“Don’t say that, don’t say that,” sings the bird. “Fuck.”

“What does fuck mean?” Masanori inquires. He’s so excited his entire body shakes.

Even as a cursing hooligan, the bird is worth it. Hairu shakes her head. “Tell you when we’re older. For now, don’t say that.”

“Why?” Masanori smells fear.

“Because it’s mean,” Ui says quickly. “The bird just doesn’t realize it.”

“The bird is named GOAT,” declares Masanori. “I like him.”

As their child squeals with delight, Hairu and Ui exchange glances. What have they done?

“Fuck,” says the parrot.

“I love you,” Masanori warbles back.

Hairu smiles. Masanori is more important than one dirty word.

Masanori wants to know how babies are made

Masanori is getting his own asks! @hamliet you should be proud. The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT live on.

“Daddy.” Masanori frowns at his rice. “Uncle Shuu and Aunt Karren are having another baby. I don’t understand how.”

Ui spits out his water. He freezes. Across the table, Hairu smirks at him.

“Well, have you heard of the stork?” Ui asks nervously.

“The stork is a lie. Auntie Eto told me the baby is in Karren’s belly.” Masanori cocks his head. “I want to know how.”

Ui’s hands are now clammy. “Uh…”

“How did you make me, Mommy?” Masanori’s eyes pierce her.

“Well.” Hairu finds this both amusing and horrifying. She’s going to kill Eto. “See, when a two people love each other very much – they can – um – fit their bodies together in a certain way – and a baby can result.”

“What way?” Masanori’s eyes are round. He’s going to have to tell all his friends.

Ui’s practically hyperventilating. “You’ll learn when you’re older.”

“That’s a cowardly answer, Daddy.” Masanori looks so crushed, Ui almost feels bad.

Hairu sighs. “Okay, time for an anatomy lesson.”

“Can we not?” Ui shrieks.

“He has to learn sometime. Better he be informed.” Hairu stands. “Help me with this, Ui.”

When she finishes explaining, Masanori’s mouth hangs open. “You guys did that?”

Ui babbles incoherently.

“Yes, and it’s something you only do if you want to. It’s special,” Hairu says, patting Masanori on the head. Strangely enough, the more she talked, the more comfortable she felt.

As soon as he leaves the room to ponder his newfound wisdom, Hairu dials Eto’s phone. “Hi. We hate you.”

Uncle Shio babysitting! With the help of Yusa and Rikai of course!

Shio is determined to be the best uncle.

Featuring Masanori, the Uihai child for @hamliet‘s “The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT.”

“Uncle Shio!” Masanori slides down the staircase railing to tumble at Shio’s feet.

“Be careful!” squawks Rikai, lifting Masanori off the floor.

Masanori giggles. “Always.”

“You mean never,” teases Yusa.

“Yup!” Masanori grabs Shio’s hands. “Will you play paint with me?”

“Play paint?” Shio frowns, but he soon learns that Masanori enjoys smearing paint all over people’s faces.

“We look like ogres!” announces the child with glee. His face is green and black.

“You’re a cute ogre,” says Shio. “Want a piggyback ride? We can go get ice cream.”

“Yesssss!” Masanori bounces up and down.

Sporting their creepy pair masks, the three Zero Squad children take turns lifting Masanori up, so he’s “almost as tall as Dad,” as they stroll to the ice cream store.

An elderly woman scowls at them, and Shio just gives her a sweet smile in return. People don’t like kids with ghoul blood. Shio hopes the world changes before Masanori grows up.

“Ghouls!”

“Happy ghouls,” Rikai retorts.

Masanori frowns. “Why don’t they like me? You said I’m cute.”

“You are,” Yusa says quickly.

“Some people are just scared of special people, like you.” Shio smiles. “They were scared of us, too. But we showed them.”

Masanori nods thoughtfully.

“Now, what flavor?”

Shio hopes the conversation is forgotten, because all he wants is happiness for his nephew. But as they’re walking home, Masanori returns to the old lady.

“Uncle Shio, I want to be like you,” says Masanori, chocolate smeared over his mask. “You’re so nice to stupid people.”

Shio melts internally. His eyes bug out. “I love you, Masanori!”

“I love you, too.” Masanori giggles and rubs chocolate onto Shio’s jacket.