Masanori’s snow day!

“SNOW DAY!” Masanori wakes his parents at 6 am.

Of course it’s 6 am. Hairu rubs her eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I want to play in the snow!”

“You’re having breakfast first,” Ui says firmly, dragging himself out from under the warm covers with Hairu. There’s no point in sleeping when Masanori gets going.

Once Masanori’s belly is full, he leaps outside and practically drowns in the snow, which reaches past his shoulders. “AHHHH!’

“Are you okay?” Ui cries.

“I LOVE IT!” Masanori tosses a snowball at Mommy, who shrieks.

“Well, that doesn’t seem fair.” Ui wades through the snow to tackle his son. “Rawr!”

“Let’s make a snowman and dye it’s head pink,” Masanori says. “Will you help me, Daddy?”

“Of course.” Ui grins at Hairu, who’s already beelined inside for pink food dye. “I love my pink-haired angels.”

“I’m an angel?” Masanori is almost offended.

“In the best way,” Ui assures him.

“Good.” Masanori cackles before throwing snow straight into Daddy’s face.

Ui wouldn’t change this for the world.

okay this masanori kid reminds me of a child that would try and cook an ego waffle in the microwave and sets it on fire.

“Masanori, what happened?” Hairu’s mouth drops open at the sight of the smoking microwave.

“I wanted waffles,” Masanori says in a small voice.

“Huh?” Ui stumbles into the kitchen. He yanks open the microwave to see an Ego covered in tinfoil. “Masanori.”

“What happened? Did I do something wrong?” Masanori is more intrigued than scared.

“You can’t put metal in a microwave,” Ui says. “It sparks.”

“Ohhhhh.” Masanori sighs. “are the waffles done?”

“We’ll take you out for real waffles,” Hairu decides. “Before Daddy and I buy a new microwave.”

Masanori grins. “Does that mean I can keep wrecking this one? Auntie Eto told me to try an egg in the microwave.”

Hairu tries not to laugh. “Get your coat. We’ll get waffles and buy some eggs to test when we’re done.”

“Hurray!” Masanori races back to his room as Ui shakes his head at his wife.

“Admit it, you’re curious,” Hairu says.

“Absolutely.” Ui winks.

The misadventures of baby masanori

Everything is a misadventure with baby Masanori.

Hairu and Ui first learned he could crawl when he disappeared from his room one night. As Ui melted down and called Arima in a panic over their kidnapped child, Hairu found baby Masanori in the bathroom. He was splashing toilet water.

His first word was “mwah.” It’s what Auntie Eto told him to say.

Masanori’s first sentence was “I love you,” to his daddy. Ui melted and Arima (after a poke from Eto) told Ui he was proud of him.

He once decided to give Mommy a haircut. She woke up to her bangs snipped off with scissor. Hairu was more upset that she had to wear her hair different than Ui than she was about the actual haircut.

Masanori once tried to convince Auntie Eto to give him human flesh to eat. Just to try it. Ui nearly passed out and Hairu was pissed.

When he grows up, he wants to be Uncle Uta or Uncle Shio.

His favorite day of the year is his birthday, because Uncles Shio and Yusa, and Auntie Rikai, play water balloons with him. Next year he’s planning to rig traps that dump dozens of balloons on his enemies at once. Hairu encourages this, and Ui will be helping build the traps. It’s only fair because Hirako is preparing the rest of the Zero Squad kids.

Shio, Rikai and Yusa buy Masanori a phone (probably with hirako’s money) and he losses and breaks it the first day he gets it.

Obviously with Hirako’s money. Those hellions. 😀

“Now, only use this in emergencies and to play Candy Crush,” Shio tells Masanori.

The kid’s eyes are the size of the phone. “It’s all mine?”

“Yes.” Yusa made sure to buy a heavy case for it.

“Thank you!” Masanori screams, throwing his arms around Shio, Rikai, and Yusa one by one.

“I put all of our numbers in there to be safe,” Rikai tells him.

“You’re the best.” Masanori holds the phone to his ear. “I’m like an adult.”

Masanori knows Shio told him not to use it much, but he can’t imagine taking selfies is wrong. Mommy loves selfies.

He climbs onto the toilet to get a full image of himself, like he’s seen Mommy do.

His foot slips, and with a cry, Masanori’s foot and his phone splash into the toilet.

“Uh – oh.” Masanori has a bad feeling about this.

“Everything okay?” Daddy rushes in. “Masanori, your leg!”

“It’s fine. My phone is not.” Masanori holds up a dripping iPhone. His leg remains twisted.

“Mommy can tend to your phone.” Ui grabs Masanori. “Let’s make sure you can still walk.”

Hairu approaches. She bursts into laughter upon seeing that Masanori is okay, but his “phone” is dripping. “Whose phone is that?”

“Mine. Shio, Rikai, and Yusa bought me,” he says sadly. “They’ll be very sad.”

“I think Hirako’s wallet will be sadder,” Hairu says with a grin. “Ui, time to call up Take.”

Uihai can’t even do the do anymore because Masanori started walking and is haunting them around the house

Hahahaha! Of course he is.

Ui rolls atop Hairu. “I miss you.”

“Hmm, we haven’t done this in a while, have we?” Hairu gives him a wicked grin and starts pulling up her shirt.

“Mommy?”

Ui tumbles off Hairu, who sinks her naked chest under the covers. “Masanori?”

“Can I have some water?”

“Of course. Daddy will help you,” says Ui. Hairu flashes him a grateful look.

When he returns, Hairu is still undressed. She winks at Ui.

“I think the minion’s asleep.” Ui pulls off his own shirt and climbs back onto the bed.

“Daddy?”

Ui pulls away, and this time Masanori knows something’s up. “Why is Mommy naked?”

“Daddy was just helping Mommy get dressed for bed,” Hairu says, quickly hauling on her T-shirt.

Masanori, thankfully, seems to buy this. “I wanted a kiss goodnight.”

“We’ll both kiss you.” Hairu approaches him.

“Why is Daddy undressed when he was already in his pajamas?”

“I was too warm,” Ui says quickly.

“Okay.” Masanori kisses both his parents and skips off to bed.

It takes another half an hour for both Ui and Hairu’s heart rates to subside before they try again.

Masanori watching a scary movie when he was told not to and gets scared afterwords.

“Can we watch It?” Masanori waves Uta over. “It has clowns!”

“Did your parents say it was okay?” Uta cocks an eyebrow.

“No, but it’s rated R, so they didn’t even consider that it has clowns,” Masanori says sadly. “They’re biased.”

Uta eyes the clock. They do have time, and he does want to see it.

I’m going to hell. Uta sits besides Masanori and selects the movie.

“Do you think Aunt Itori would like this? Or Uncle Fruit?”

“It’s Aunt Itori’s favorite, and Uncle Fruit would be too scared,” Uta replies as the movie begins.

That evening, Hairu and Ui arrive him to a Masanori who has his back pressed into the wall and fears the bathroom.

“Masanori, what is the matter?” Hairu finally asks.

“You’ll float too,” he whispers.

Ui’s face turns green. “You watched It, didn’t you?”

“I wanted to see the clown! With its big scary teeth! But I didn’t realize it was going to haunt me and eat me!” cries Masanori.

Hairu dials a number on her phone. “Hi, Yomo? Kill your husband for us. You can ask him why.”

She hangs up. “It was fiction, Masanori.”

“But ghouls eat people. What if Pennywise was a ghoul?” he whispers.

“Then your parents just happen to be investigators skilled in defeating it,” says Hairu.

“O – okay.” Masanori shivers. “Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”

“We won’t get sleep if you don’t,” Ui jokes, and Masanori sticks his tongue out at his dad.

“Yes. We’ll even keep our quinques out, okay?” Hairu hugs their son, and he clings to her. “Let’s be off to sleep, then.”

She smirks at Ui. They can have a talk about obedience later. Right now, their child is scared and needs comfort.

Uihai family vacation

Masanori bounces up and down on the bed where his parents had, up until now, been snoozing. “Wake up, wake up! It’s Kaiyukan Day!”

Hairu squints in the pale morning light. Oh yes, they’re in a hotel, in Osaka. “Hmm? Yes, we’re going to the Kaiyukan today.”

“Uncle Shirazu told me to see the whale shark. He said it’s bigger than Auntie Eto’s kakuja!” Masanori pretends to faint. He angles himself to collapse between his parents. “What will you do if it tries to eat me?”

“Rescue you, of course. Quinques and everything,” Ui says, stroking the child’s pink bob.

“Yay!” Masanori giggles.

“We’ll have breakfast first, then arrive in time to see the river otters fed, okay?” Hairu smiles. She glances at her phone. “It’s early.”

“I was too excited to sleep!” Masanori wriggles out of bed and races towards the bathroom. “Sharks!”

“Did we give him sugar last night,” mutters Ui.

Hairu shakes her head and arises. “Well, we’re awake now.”

“Indeed. Happy morning.” Ui pecks her on the lips as Masanori calls, “Hurry and help me get dressed!”

When they arrive at the Kaiyukan, Hairu is nearly as excitable as her son, and Ui is alternating between wonder and terror that they’ll fall in.

Surely they’ll tired before they’ve explored the entire exhibit.

“I want a penguin!” Masanori leans over the railing.

“Be careful.” Ui overreaches for his son and feels his balance tipping. “Wait -”

“Ui!” Hairu shrieks.

He hears yelling, and a splash, and the water is cold, and penguins are staring down at him.

“DADDY!” Masanori tries to dive over, but Hairu wrestles him back. Divers are already on their way.

Blood rushes to Ui’s cheeks as he’s escorted out of the penguin pool, a swipe of penguin poop on his forehead.

Once the workers are satisfied Ui wasn’t showing off on purpose, he’s allowed to rejoin his family after a brief shower.

“That was the coolest thing.” Masanori’s eyes are like saucers. “Are they fluffy?”

“Kinda rubbery, actually,” Ui says, forcing a smile.

“I can’t wait to tell everyone my dad touched a penguin.” Masanori races ahead.

“Gotta admit, you looked really cute all dazed and surrounded by penguins,” Hairu says lightly.

“Did I?” Ui smiles back, releasing his embarrassment away.

Masanori gets lost in the mall while shopping with Ui and Shio and Hairu doesn’t know. Ui and Shio go on a quest to find him.

“Where’s Masanori?” Ui pauses. He was just here a second ago.

“Uh.” Shio pivots. “I see no pink haired child.”

“Where is my kid?” Ui shrieks.

“Koori – can I call you that -”

“No, you may not.”

“You’re practically my brother-in-law. I’m calling you that.” Shio giggles. “We’ll find him. Where would Masanori like to go?”

“Where can he cause mischief?” Ui asks. Hairu’s going to kill him.

“Stop panicking.” Shio feels unqualified to be the adult here. “Hmm. The arcade?”

But there is no Masanori in the arcade.

“Where to?” exclaims Ui over the shrieks of children who all have their parents and who aren’t in danger due to being fully human.

“The toy store?”

But there is no Masanori in the toy store.

“The escalators!”

But there is no Masanori riding the escalators.

“Where next?” cries Ui as his phone buzzes. Hairu.

How’s shopping? 😉

Everything’s fine, he texts back.

His phone rings. Hairu’s calling them.

“Hi?” he squeaks.

“Ui, what’s wrong? I never asked if everything was fine and now you’re being very vague and unsettling,” she says.

“I’ve lost our child!” he wails.

“Put Shio on the phone.” Her tone is crisp.

“Uh-huh. Yeah, we were in the clothing store looking for sneakers and then he was just gone. No, we’ve already tried that. Yes, Ui’s still breathing.”

“Well.” Shio hangs up.

“He’s probably been kidnapped!” Ui gasps.

Shio ignores him to call Uncle Arima. “Hey, Arima? We need reinforcements.”

Twenty minutes later, Hairu appears with Arima, Eto, Hirako, Yusa, and Rikai behind her.

“No,” Arima is saying to Eto.

“Yes.” She stomps her foot. “If we want to find a mischievous child, we need to think like one.”

“So like you?” Shio teases.

“Someone like me.”

“I think it’s a good idea.” Hairu holds up her phone. “I have Uncle Furuta on line.”

“What?” wails Ui. He does not want to talk to that creep.

“Ui, if you lose that kid I gave you, I will decapitate you myself,” Furuta says over speakerphone.

“Not funny.” Ui’s voice breaks. “Where is he?”

“Let’s see. If I wanted to cause mischief, and worshipped my inspector parents, where would I go?”

“He’s with the mall cops?”

“Probably.” Ui can hear Furuta shrug. “Though if they haven’t called you, I bet he’s just spying on the mall cops.”

Ui growls. “Thank you.”

That hurts to say.

As they approach the security station, Arima suddenly whirls around to the dense, decorative foliage outside. “Hello.”

He hauls a sheepish Masanori out.

“Masanori!” his parents both wail, rushing towards him.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Masanori throws his arms around him.

“I just wanted to see what the mall police do. Then they tried to call the police on me, so I hid,” Masanori says sadly. “Wait, why is Uncle Arima here?”

Masanori playing with Nerf guns with the zero squad kids!

“Look out!” Masanori leaps around the corner and presses a Nerf gun to Shio’s head.

“I am killed!” cries Shio, falling at his nephew’s feet.

“We will avenge you!” Rikai promises, whipping out her own Nerf gun.

Masanori giggles. “Never!”

He fires at her, but Yusa hits him in the chest. “I got your heart!”

“Then give it back!” Masanori sticks out his tongue and peppers Zero Squad with foam bullets.

“Reload!” Shio reawakens from ‘death’ and stuffs more bullets into his gun. Ui and Hairu have no idea he gave Masanori a Nerf gun for his birthday, and Hirako has no idea he paid for it, but hey, as long as the kid is happy, no one should protest.

The door opens, and Masanori shoots his father straight between the eyes.

Ui blinks for a moment, but Hairu leaps into action. “No, not my Ui! God, bring him back!”

She presses her lips against his.

“Ew!” screams Masanori as Shio yells, “Aw!”

Masanori is the Uihai child from @hamliet’s “The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT.”

Masanori risking his life out of something ridiculous

“Masanori, I don’t think your parents will approve.” Nimura Furuta cannot believe he has to be the voice of reason here.

Well, he’s still being selfish. Masanori dies and he’ll get blamed and who needs that.

“I know!” Masanori creeps out further onto the tree branch. He is going to rescue Furuta’s tie. Dad just talked to him about being responsible, and throwing Uncle Clown’s tie onto a tree in the prison yard probably isn’t responsible.

He just wanted to see Furuta’s kagune retrieve it, but apparently Furuta can’t use his kagune here.

“The guards won’t approve either.” Now Furuta’s getting nervous. The brat’s directly over barbed wire.

“Masanori!” screams Ihei Hairu.

Fuck. Furuta winces.

“Mom!” Masanori waves.

Ui Koori is right behind her. He freezes upon seeing Masanori. “Oh my god.”

The branch cracks, and with a yelp, Masanori finds himself clinging to a bark-held tree limb above rows and rows of toothy wire. “Uh. I’m scared.”

“Okay, calm down, Ui,” Ui mutters to himself.

“Get on my shoulders,” Furuta says.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m tall. You climb on me, Hairu climb on you, and we reach the kid before he gets impaled.” Furuta sounds cross, like he still hates that he actually likes the GOAT children.

When Hairu finally reaches her son, Masanori is crying and so are the adults.

“No I’m not,” snaps Furuta.

“Are too!” Now safely back behind the prison walls, Masanori stomps his foot.

“Masanori, what were you thinking?” Hairu demands.

“I wanted to be responsible. I tried to bring out Uncle Fruit’s kagune and then when it failed I wanted to get him his tie back.” Masanori’s lips tremble. “But it’s still up there.”

“We’ll buy him a new one,” Ui assures his son, wrapping his arms around him.

Hairu hugs her family. “Masanori, your life is worth much more than a tie.”

Masanori is from @hamliet’s “The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT.”