When they learn of their Romanian heritage, the Kaneki trifecta decide to get in tough with their roots, starting with learning the Romanian language, cause having a secret language is awesome. (One phrase they could exchange is “Fratele Meu (means “my brother”- for Rin to her brothers) and “Sora Mea” (meaning “my sister”))

Do you know Romanian? That’s awesome.

“Fratele Meu, can you pass the sugar.” Rin waves at Kaneki.

“What does that mean again?” Suzuya frowns.

“Of course, Sora Mea.” Kaneki winks and hands her three sugar packets. “What do you think it means, Juuzou?”

Suzuya sighs. “Brother and sister?”

“Yup.” Rin empties the sugar packets in her coffee.

“Multumesc,” says Suzuya. “See, I am learning!”

“You are indeed.” Rin nods.

“What are we learning?” Tsukiyama Shuu pirouettes into the room.

“That you’re a gurmand,” says Suzuya, stuffing his mouth full of chocolate.

“Sacre bleu! That sounds like an insult,” cries Tsukiyama.

“Ţine-ţi limba după dinţi,” replies Rin sweetly.

“My heart!” Tsukiyama clutches his chest.

“He’s politely declined your command,” Kaneki says to Rin.

“When the fuck did I move to Europe?” Touka storms into Re. “You guys, yelling in all sorts of languages is going to scare off all my customers!”

The Kaneki trifecta have their last conversation with Alucard, their ancestor, before he has to go back to London to the plot of Hellsing. He tells them the true story of Prince Vlad of Wallachia (sold to a Sultan as a child who raped him for years before he killed him, rose as a prince who fought and killed for his God only to be killed by his people, and sell his soul to the devil). He tells them what Van Hellsing taught him: “Only a man can kill a monster”.

“Please tell us more.” Rin leans forward eagerly. Kaneki is dutifully taking notes through his tears, and Suzuya is clutching Kaneki’s shoulders.

Alucard sighs. “There’s not much more. I suppose my words apply to all of you now.”

“Which ones?” Kaneki looks at his notes.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Suzuya says.

“And I’m sorry for what Madam did to you,” Alucard replies. “But, Kaneki especially: to become a monster as I am, is to admit you were too weak to remain human.”

Kaneki flinches. “I had to.”

“So did I, I thought.” Alucard stares into the distance. “Only a man can kill a monster.”

Kaneki looks at Suzuya.

“You can’t kill a monster using monstrous methods.” Now Alucard looks at Suzuya, who swallows.

Mr. Shinohara? Monstrous methods?

“Rin, you’re the full human among your family.”

“Me?” she squeaks. She’s always felt insecure in her humanity. “Are you saying my humanity is…important?”

“I don’t think your humanity means anything,” Alucard says bluntly. “But I think your compassion and empathy surpass your brothers’. That’s more important than your species. And if you want a path forward for both species, you’ll have learn a new way of fighting, beyond embracing the violence.”

Rin sniffles. “Do you think any of us can?”

“Together?” Alucard looks in each of their eyes. “Yeah, I do.”

The gay/bi boys’ reactions to seeing a penis for the first time?

Nagachika Hideyoshi – blushing like mad

Tsukiyama Shuu – SWEEEET HARMONYYYYYYYY

Urie Kuki – Mine is bigger

Suzuya Juuzou – Cute! Want to see mine?

Hanbee Abara – sweating like Bertolt Hoover in the sun

Tatara – Hello, yes, may I marry you?

Houji – licks lips

Naki – screams (again)

Yamori – let’s make hate

Yomo Renji – embarrassed at both them and himself for liking it

Uta – I want it in my mouth. *rips it off* Oh that’s not what you thought I meant?

Washuu Yoshitoki – Oh. Oh my. Oh my god.

Washuu Matsuri – strips right then and there

Marude Itsuki – short of breath

If you headcanon anyone else, let me know and I’ll add them.

The straight/bi boys’ reactions to seeing boobs irl for the first time?

Kaneki Ken – “They’re so squishy.” (canon)

Nagachika Hideyoshi – CAN I HOLD THEM

Nishiki Nishio – spills coffee on himself

Koma Enji – eyebrow wiggle

Tsukiyama Shuu – Why can’t boys have something so fabulous

Urie Kuki – I wonder how they’d look on Mutsuki

Shirazu Ginshi – giggles uncontrollably

Higemaru Touma – spends the next day drawing large-breasted monsters

Aura Shinsanpei – crawls into corner

Amon Koutarou – prays

Takizawa Seidou – squeals with glee

Suzuya Juuzou – huh? those look heavy

Hanbee Abara – faints

Miyuki Mikage – I wonder if aliens have boobs

Keijin Nakarai – I’ve just met my future wife

Mizurou Tamaki – closes himself in his room for the rest of the day

Shinohara Yukinori – it was his wedding night with his wife. He was very gentle and she was rather fierce and it was beautiful.

Tatara – *draws Houji with boobs, mails it to him*

Houji – what the fuck Tatara – oh my, these look rather nice

Naki – screams

Yamori – do they hurt if you cut them

Ayato Kirishima – Ayato.exe has stopped working

Yomo Renji – stops breathing

Uta – thinks of them as interesting art/places for tattoos

Arima Kishou – speechless, but a small smile grows on his lips

Nimura Furuta – hello, I’m the bureau director. i like your boobs; can I dominate you?

Kuriowa Takeomi – “Y- Yoriko – you’re – like – beautiful – and – ah – so many feelings!”

Kuriowa Iwao – That’s nice.

Ui Koori – blubbering, red-cheeked mess

Hirako Take – am I supposed to be seeing this?

Washuu Yoshitoki – dazzled

Marude Itsuki – clears throat, smooths hair. Hi there.

Tanakamaru Mougan – Higheerrrrrrrrrrrrr boobs!

Rio – Poke

Loving your first time posts!~ Could we perhaps see a first-time drunk Juuzou scenario next? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Would he be a light(gets drunk off the smallest shot)/medium/heavy weight(alcohol hardly phases him)? What would be the aftermath////

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“You’re the beshtesht shquad leader ever.” Hanbee clutches Suzuya’s shoulders. The room spins around him.

Suzuya sips his Long Island. It’s sweet and tangy and he likes it.

“To Shushuya!” Keijin leaps on the bar counter.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to keep your feet off the table,” says the bar owner, brushing back her peach hair.

“Okay.” Keijin falls backwards. “Trust fall!”

Suzuya barely manages to catch his second-in-command. Huh. He feels tingly all over. That seems weird.

Miyuki giggles. “I can shee into the fifth dimentshion. I can shee the future!”

“I can see your underwear.” Mizurou waves a hand in Miyuki’s face.

“No you can’t. You’re sheeing my shoul.” Miyuki laughs.

Suzuya waves down the bartender. “Excuse me; why is the room spinning?”

The bartender points to his Long Island. “How many of those have you had?”

“Three,” he says cheerfully.

The woman turns white.

“Bye!” Suzuya slaps money down on the table and stands. He trips immediately over Hanbee, who is rolling around on the floor.

When the Quinx Squad is dispatched to a bar called Helter Skelter, they do not expect to find Suzuya rolling around on the floor with Hanbee.

“That’s it; I quit.” Urie tries to back out, but Shirazu holds him fast.

As each Quinx drags a member of Suzuya squad out of the bar, they marvel at the unexpected turn of events.

The bar owner, too, did not expect to see Haise Sasaki’s face.

Need suzuhan nsfw!! (I guess that I’m late, but I don’t care) ≧﹏≦

Suzuhan is never late. First time: Suzuhan, here we go.

“Abara.” Suzuya leans over his boyfriend. “Do you want to make love to me?”

Hanbee drops his mug of coffee. “What?”

“We’re been together for a while and I really like kissing you and I want to do more.” Suzuya clasps Hanbee’s hands in his.

“I do, but – Juuzou, are you sure?” Hanbee is sweating already.

“Yes!” he sings, leading Hanbee into his bedroom.

Hanbee giggles at the stuffed animals covering Suzuya’s bed. “All these witnesses?”

Suzuya grins. “We can put them on the floor.”

“I think we’d have to. How do you even sleep in this bed?”

Suzuya shrugs. “I just…do?” He leaps onto the bed and stands. “Now I’m taller!”

Hanbee laughs as Suzuya peels off his shirt.

“Wait,” Suzuya says when they’re nearly naked. “I just…Abara…you know what happened to me, right?”

He looks so sad. This is what Hanbee feared. He strokes Juuzou’s face. “I know. It doesn’t matter to me. I think you’re beautiful the way you are.”

Suzuya tackles him. “I love you!”

“I love you, too.” Hanbee removes his own pants and feels a rush of shyness. But Suzuya just smiles at him. They’re both red-faced and laughing as they attach each other’s condoms.

Suzuya wonders what he was so worried about as their bodies grind together. He feels happy and free and loved. Hanbee doesn’t think he’s disgusting. Hanbee loves him.

Hanbee cries out, and Suzuya showers his face in kisses. “That was fun.”

“Everything is fun with you.” Hanbee gazes up at him in wonder.

KuroSuzuya leaving random gifts at Ghoul Seidou’s hideout (anonymously) after finding out where he has been staying, because he knows his old bud is alone and lonely af. Then one day, he leaves a puppy as another gift and letters with terrible sh*t memes. Seidou figures out who the gifts were coming from and gets really annoyed but feels happy to have someone caring for him again, even if it was from that lil punk Juuzou.

Awwwwwwww.

Seidou’s grown accustomed to the gifts left outside his abandoned apartment. At first he feared CCG would show up, that this was a sign of the end, but no one has arrested him.

He doesn’t know if he feels relieved or disappointed.

He is, however, increasingly annoyed with the gifts. Some, like today’s Skittles, he can’t even fucking eat.

He tears open the bag to stomp the candy to bits, but to his surprise, he finds colorfully-coated of Rc cells instead.

Now thoroughly suspicious, Seidou chews on the “candy.” He pretends he’s back with Hoji, with Akira and Amon, maybe with that brat Suzuya…

Seidou spits out the candy.

Suzuya likes candy.

No, it can’t be.

The door rings again, and Seidou yanks it open. No one is around, naturally.

Only Suzuya could do this.

Seidou does, however, shriek at the puppy. Memes of doggos are encased in its collar, and Seidou almost wants to run from the creature.

He’s too evil.

“Get back here, you little shit, Juuzou,” he snaps instead.

Suzuya drops down from his roof. “Did you like the candy? And the pupper?”

“It’s name is Hoji.” Seidou clutches it to his chest. “Why the fuck do you care about me?”

“Because I used to be crazy like you, too.”

“Gee, thanks.” Seidou scowls.

“I want you to tell me how you became a ghoul.” Suzuya pauses. “If Madam had turned me into a ghoul, I would have eaten people, too. I want to know more.”

“Do you really?” Seidou laughs.

“Yes. Besides, I wouldn’t have given you a puppy if I gave up on you.” Suzuya prances into Seidou’s apartment, brandishing his own bag of Skittles.

(A semi-crossover with Hellsing) The Kaneki siblings (Kaneki, Suzuya and Rin together!!) find documents from their father and discover their ancestral roots extend outside of Japan, all the way to Romania and their many greats grandfather is none other than the Impaler, the prince of darkness, and Count himself, Vlad Tepes, aka Dracula (Alucard in Hellsing)

The Kaneki Trifecta®

“Kaneki, look at this. Suzuya, get your ass over here, too.” Rin waves them to a table in Re.

“What are those?” Suzuya’s eyes widen at so much reading.

But Kaneki is already devouring the papers. “Where’d you find these?”

“I’ve been concocting my own little investigation into Mom.” Rin sighs. “Didn’t it ever strike you as strange that one of you was kidnapped, and the other made into a half-ghoul? Like, that can’t be a coincidence.”

“And?” Suzuya nervously nibbles on the chocolate squares Kaneki hands him, one after another.

“We’re not entirely Japanese. We’re…Romanian?” Kaneki frowns.

“Like vampires?” Suzuya grins.

“No, but actually.” Rin rifles through the documents. “Vlad Tepes is our ancestor.”

“Who?”

“Dracula,” Kaneki says, surprised. He loves that book.

“Do you think there’s something special in our blood, then?” Rin asks.

“Maybe?”

“Mom’s side checks out clean.” Rin swallows. “This seems like the best red flag I’ve found.”

“But why target us now?” Suzuya asks. Chocolate is smeared across his cheeks.

“I mean, there’s no proof they didn’t target Dad as well. Maybe that’s how he died. There’s not much information on the accident, though, so this is just speculation.” Rin shrugs.

“We need to talk to Nishiki about this. If – if Vampires are real – if part-vampires can live like normal humans, why can’t part-ghouls?” Kaneki’s body surges with hope.

“Precisely.” Rin smiles at him.

Suzuya hugs them both. “Well, I love having ghouls and vampires in my family.”

tokyo ghoul boys as commercials

Kaneki Ken – A trailer for the latest thriller novel from Takatsuki Sen.

Nagachika Hideyoshi – Come to Hawaii, where it’s sunny all the time!

Nishiki Nishio – The latest pharmaceutical. “If you feel like eating human flesh, talk to your doctor. Nishikimiazole may be right for you.”

Koma Enji – An infomercial on how to make the Devil Ape’s Best Coffee.

Tsukiyama Shuu – L’Oreal, because he’s worth it.

Urie Kuki – Advertising firm for career building.

Mutsuki Tooru – Mental health awareness.

Shirazu Ginshi – He and Haru star in a new ad for a research study on for Rc cell over-secretion.

Higemaru Touma – Firefighter appreciation.

Aura Shinsanpei – A trailer for the latest melodrama.

Amon Koutarou – Dunkin’ Donuts

Takizawa Seidou – Antidepressant medication.

Suzuya Juuzou – Skittles commercial.

Hanbee Abara – Social anxiety medication.

Miyuki Mikage – Science museum ad.

Keijin Nakarai – Can you hear me now? Smartphone service.

Mizurou Tamaki – The best beef steak in Tokyo!

Shinohara Yukinori – Be a mentor or child sponsorship.

Tatara – Spy thriller movie.

Naki – Rent your best white suit ever.

Yamori – Creepy ad for an undefined “research study.” Pulled after 1 air.

Ayato Kirishima – Axe Body Spray.

Yomo Renji – Visit Re Cafe!

Uta – Tattoo shop.

Arima Kishou – Glaucoma PSA.

Nimura Furuta – Maybe it’s Maybelline! Or maybe it’s ghoul regeneration!

Kuriowa Takeomi – Lumberjacking, or eyebrow styling.

Kuriowa Iwao – Sports ad.

Ui Koori – NicoDerm.

Hirako Take – Sad, abused animal PSA set to moving music.

Ihei Shio – the best ice cream in Tokyo.

Yusa Arima – martial arts studio.

Mayazumi – eyebrow styling.

Hajime Hazuki – PTSD medication.

Washuu Matsuri – A dating app.

Washuu Yoshitoki – Hiking!

Marude Itsuki – the next gun show.

Tanakamaru Mougan – Hairspray.

Classroom shenanigans with Black Reaper Kaneki as the teacher. Possible students being Touka, Takizawa, Kurona, Amon, Akira, Juuzou, and Quinx kids! (Bonus points for involving Principle Eto!)

“Juuzou, you can’t eat candy in class.” Reaperneki raps on Suuzya’s desk.

Suzuya stares up at him with horror. The lollipop remains in his mouth. “But why?”

“Because it’s disruptive.”

“Not if you do it the right way.” Saiko pops a chocolate square into her mouth. “Just be quick about it, Suzuya.”

“Yonebayashi, do you want to go to the principle’s office?”

She thinks for a moment. “Principle Eto does have a nice couch.”

“Can I go to the principle’s office?” Urie raises his hand. “I’m tired of all your faces.”

Mutsuki frowns.

“Not yours,” Urie assures him.

“Awwwwww,” Shirazu teases.

“All of you: SILENCE!” Reaperneki shouts. “Now, Amon, tell me your initial thoughts on Egg of the Black Goat.”

Amon looks up, guilt plastered over his face like the donut crumbs on his lips.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” growls Reaperneki.

“I got him the donut; it’s my fault.” Akira rolls her eyes. “You know, it’s not the food that makes us inefficient; it’s you.”

Reaperneki seethes. “Aura?”

“I was too busy visiting my sick aunt to do the reading,” he replies sweetly.

Higemaru raises his hand. “I loved it!”

“I found the wording fascinating,” Hsaio adds.

“I couldn’t be bothered to read it.” Ayato yawns.

“Feet off your desk, Kirishima.”

“Which one?” Ayato grins as Hinami gently pushes his feet back to the floor.

“Teacher, you’re kinda weak at teaching literature,” Touka comments.

“You’re weak at literature,” Reaperneki counters.

“You’re weak, period,” she shoots back.

Takizawa passes a note to Kurona.

“Really? At this point, you could just talk,” says Reaperneki.

“Can I talk about how attractive you are, Teach?” whimpers Tsukiyama.

“THAT’S IT! ALL OF YOU! I AM ESCORTING ALL OF YOUR SORRY ASSES TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!” Reaperneki roars.

When they arrive, Eto blinks. “You got the entire class here? I’m so impressed.”

Reaperneki growls.