The misadventures of baby masanori

Everything is a misadventure with baby Masanori.

Hairu and Ui first learned he could crawl when he disappeared from his room one night. As Ui melted down and called Arima in a panic over their kidnapped child, Hairu found baby Masanori in the bathroom. He was splashing toilet water.

His first word was “mwah.” It’s what Auntie Eto told him to say.

Masanori’s first sentence was “I love you,” to his daddy. Ui melted and Arima (after a poke from Eto) told Ui he was proud of him.

He once decided to give Mommy a haircut. She woke up to her bangs snipped off with scissor. Hairu was more upset that she had to wear her hair different than Ui than she was about the actual haircut.

Masanori once tried to convince Auntie Eto to give him human flesh to eat. Just to try it. Ui nearly passed out and Hairu was pissed.

When he grows up, he wants to be Uncle Uta or Uncle Shio.

His favorite day of the year is his birthday, because Uncles Shio and Yusa, and Auntie Rikai, play water balloons with him. Next year he’s planning to rig traps that dump dozens of balloons on his enemies at once. Hairu encourages this, and Ui will be helping build the traps. It’s only fair because Hirako is preparing the rest of the Zero Squad kids.

Shio, Rikai and Yusa buy Masanori a phone (probably with hirako’s money) and he losses and breaks it the first day he gets it.

Obviously with Hirako’s money. Those hellions. 😀

“Now, only use this in emergencies and to play Candy Crush,” Shio tells Masanori.

The kid’s eyes are the size of the phone. “It’s all mine?”

“Yes.” Yusa made sure to buy a heavy case for it.

“Thank you!” Masanori screams, throwing his arms around Shio, Rikai, and Yusa one by one.

“I put all of our numbers in there to be safe,” Rikai tells him.

“You’re the best.” Masanori holds the phone to his ear. “I’m like an adult.”

Masanori knows Shio told him not to use it much, but he can’t imagine taking selfies is wrong. Mommy loves selfies.

He climbs onto the toilet to get a full image of himself, like he’s seen Mommy do.

His foot slips, and with a cry, Masanori’s foot and his phone splash into the toilet.

“Uh – oh.” Masanori has a bad feeling about this.

“Everything okay?” Daddy rushes in. “Masanori, your leg!”

“It’s fine. My phone is not.” Masanori holds up a dripping iPhone. His leg remains twisted.

“Mommy can tend to your phone.” Ui grabs Masanori. “Let’s make sure you can still walk.”

Hairu approaches. She bursts into laughter upon seeing that Masanori is okay, but his “phone” is dripping. “Whose phone is that?”

“Mine. Shio, Rikai, and Yusa bought me,” he says sadly. “They’ll be very sad.”

“I think Hirako’s wallet will be sadder,” Hairu says with a grin. “Ui, time to call up Take.”

Masanori gets lost in the mall while shopping with Ui and Shio and Hairu doesn’t know. Ui and Shio go on a quest to find him.

“Where’s Masanori?” Ui pauses. He was just here a second ago.

“Uh.” Shio pivots. “I see no pink haired child.”

“Where is my kid?” Ui shrieks.

“Koori – can I call you that -”

“No, you may not.”

“You’re practically my brother-in-law. I’m calling you that.” Shio giggles. “We’ll find him. Where would Masanori like to go?”

“Where can he cause mischief?” Ui asks. Hairu’s going to kill him.

“Stop panicking.” Shio feels unqualified to be the adult here. “Hmm. The arcade?”

But there is no Masanori in the arcade.

“Where to?” exclaims Ui over the shrieks of children who all have their parents and who aren’t in danger due to being fully human.

“The toy store?”

But there is no Masanori in the toy store.

“The escalators!”

But there is no Masanori riding the escalators.

“Where next?” cries Ui as his phone buzzes. Hairu.

How’s shopping? 😉

Everything’s fine, he texts back.

His phone rings. Hairu’s calling them.

“Hi?” he squeaks.

“Ui, what’s wrong? I never asked if everything was fine and now you’re being very vague and unsettling,” she says.

“I’ve lost our child!” he wails.

“Put Shio on the phone.” Her tone is crisp.

“Uh-huh. Yeah, we were in the clothing store looking for sneakers and then he was just gone. No, we’ve already tried that. Yes, Ui’s still breathing.”

“Well.” Shio hangs up.

“He’s probably been kidnapped!” Ui gasps.

Shio ignores him to call Uncle Arima. “Hey, Arima? We need reinforcements.”

Twenty minutes later, Hairu appears with Arima, Eto, Hirako, Yusa, and Rikai behind her.

“No,” Arima is saying to Eto.

“Yes.” She stomps her foot. “If we want to find a mischievous child, we need to think like one.”

“So like you?” Shio teases.

“Someone like me.”

“I think it’s a good idea.” Hairu holds up her phone. “I have Uncle Furuta on line.”

“What?” wails Ui. He does not want to talk to that creep.

“Ui, if you lose that kid I gave you, I will decapitate you myself,” Furuta says over speakerphone.

“Not funny.” Ui’s voice breaks. “Where is he?”

“Let’s see. If I wanted to cause mischief, and worshipped my inspector parents, where would I go?”

“He’s with the mall cops?”

“Probably.” Ui can hear Furuta shrug. “Though if they haven’t called you, I bet he’s just spying on the mall cops.”

Ui growls. “Thank you.”

That hurts to say.

As they approach the security station, Arima suddenly whirls around to the dense, decorative foliage outside. “Hello.”

He hauls a sheepish Masanori out.

“Masanori!” his parents both wail, rushing towards him.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Masanori throws his arms around him.

“I just wanted to see what the mall police do. Then they tried to call the police on me, so I hid,” Masanori says sadly. “Wait, why is Uncle Arima here?”

hairu discovers memes too

“First Class Ihei, what say you?” Arima smiles at her.

Hairu beams back. “The ghouls will respond like this!”

She holds out her phone.

“We’re the second picture, obviously.”

“I see.” Arima struggles not to laugh. Shio, Rikai, and Yusa are lost causes.

Hirako snickers. “Sounds like we all agree.”

As they rise from their meeting, Hairu adds, “Arima, have you ever played with memes? They’re so funny.”

“Do explain,” Arima says.

“Okay. For today, I will only communicate in memes!” Hairu cheers. “It’s the cleverest form of communication.”

“You’re the clever one,” Ui says lightly.

Hairu’s eyes light up. She taps something on her phone and holds it up for Ui.

“Yes, I do.”

“Okay, boo,” Hairu sings to Ui, who blushes.

When they return, Kijima approaches.

Ui scowls, and Hairu grips his hand.

She hasn’t held his hand before. His eyes widen.

“Both of you are wanted in Hirako’s office,” says Kijima.

“Cool.” As soon as his back is turned, Hairu unveils another meme.

UI doubles over laughing. When they arrive in Hirako’s office, he sees a very smug grin on their colleague’s face.

“Our youths have their own memes. I hope you haven’t missed your phone too much, Ui.”

Ui gasps. He hadn’t even noticed – he was focused on Hairu.

Hirako wiggles his eyebrows.

In a fit of giggles, Shio holds out Ui’s phone to Hairu.

I need some tender moments between my four boys Yusa, Shio, Rikai, And Hajime.

Don’t we all.

“Hajime, why do you hate us? I thought we were friends. Remember Capture the Flag?” Shio’s lips tremble.

“You saved our team because you ran so fast Mayazumi and I couldn’t catch you,” Yusa recalls.

Hajime’s eyes twinkle. He might be chained up like a ghoul, and they might be traitors, but yes, he remembers.

“I wish you didn’t hate us,” adds Rikai.

“Then why do you hate us enough to side with ghouls?” Hajime’s eyes harden. “Just because you never watched your parents die in front of you, are you incapable of siding with your own kind?”

“You’re not even our own kind anymore,” Yusa protests.

“We’re closer to you, though.” Rikai’s heart thumps. She hopes Hajime listens.

“Huh?”

“We’re part ghoul,” Shio says sadly. “We’re all children of Tsuneyoshi Washuu. He was a ghoul and we’re his failed experiments.”

“That’s a fucking joke.” Hajime scoffs.

“It’s not.” Shio’s eyes fill with tears. “Furuta is playing you. Arima knew. He wanted to save us, so Hirako defected.”

“I don’t believe you.” Hajime shrieks. “Go away!”

“We can’t! We have to face ourselves!” Yusa screams suddenly. “You will, too!”

“No!” Hajime screams back. He can’t. He can’t even face what happened to Mom and Dad.

Rikai sniffles, but she reaches through the chains to embrace him. “Hajime, I miss you.”

“We all did. We miss all the academy.” Shio wipes his eyes. “We miss not killing too.”

“I don’t.” Hajime shrugs.

“We like you,” Yusa says. “We wish you would be in our family. All part ghouls with Washuu Rc cells in them.”

“Washuu?”

“Your kagune is from a ghoul of the Washuu clan,” Yusa explains. “Guess we’re like family, then.”

Hajime doesn’t know what to say or do, but for a minute, he thinks Mom and Dad would approve of these brothers and sister. He no longer resents their hugs, and tilts his chin to rest on Rikai’s shoulder.

Masanori playing with Nerf guns with the zero squad kids!

“Look out!” Masanori leaps around the corner and presses a Nerf gun to Shio’s head.

“I am killed!” cries Shio, falling at his nephew’s feet.

“We will avenge you!” Rikai promises, whipping out her own Nerf gun.

Masanori giggles. “Never!”

He fires at her, but Yusa hits him in the chest. “I got your heart!”

“Then give it back!” Masanori sticks out his tongue and peppers Zero Squad with foam bullets.

“Reload!” Shio reawakens from ‘death’ and stuffs more bullets into his gun. Ui and Hairu have no idea he gave Masanori a Nerf gun for his birthday, and Hirako has no idea he paid for it, but hey, as long as the kid is happy, no one should protest.

The door opens, and Masanori shoots his father straight between the eyes.

Ui blinks for a moment, but Hairu leaps into action. “No, not my Ui! God, bring him back!”

She presses her lips against his.

“Ew!” screams Masanori as Shio yells, “Aw!”

Masanori is the Uihai child from @hamliet’s “The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT.”

How to you think Tsukiyama has managed to teach Naki how babies are made?

“Today, Naki,” Tsukiyama pauses dramatically, “is the day we learn the riddle to the ancient mystery.”

“Misery?” Naki’s eyes widen.

“How babies are made!” Tsukiyama cheers.

Ayato is just close enough to overhear. “Walk faster, Hinami.”

“Can we listen?” Ihei Shio, Souza Rikai, and Arima Yusa slip into the room.

“Of course. Everyone must know at some point.” Shuu begins drawing on the chalkboard. “This is a male’s reproductive system.”

Riki’s face is bright red, but Naki chatters eagerly. “You drew it so big.”

“I have my inspirations.” Tsukiyama winks, and the children giggle.

“Now for the female flower.” Tsukiyama resumes drawing. “And what you’ll notice is that the male has a stem to insert into the flower…”

When he finishes a florid description of intercourse – complete with chalkboard art – everyone stares blankly at him.

“Any questions?”

Yusa waves his hand. His face is green. “Is this where Touka’s baby came from?”

“Kaneki would never! He and Touka wouldn’t touch – like that – ” Naki’s face turns red.

“Why not? It’s beautiful!” Tsukiyama winks. “You’re telling me you never wanted to touch Miza like that?”

Naki squeaks.

The door flies open, and Kaneki Ken, Kusakari Miza, Hirako Take, and Nishiki Nishio stare at a chalkboard peppered with both scientific drawings and possibly sketched porn.

Nishiki doubles over laughing, Kaneki nearly faints, Hirako cries, and Miza storms over to pick up Naki.

“Do you want to make a baby?” He smiles up at her.

shio discover memes

soutasnotebook:

Glory be.

“One does not just simply walk into GOAT’s layer,” Shio lectures Hajime.

“What the fuck, kid?”

“You can’t be undermine by your own youth if you insult me over mine.” Shio points to his head with a smirk.

“Are you meming me?” Hajime is aghast.

“Shio!” Hirako, Yusa, and Rikai burst into the cell. “What on earth are you doing.

Shio holds his hands out. “Memes.”

“I have discovered memes, and I must use them!” cries Shio. “Hajime knows they’re the best. Yusa, Rikai; you must know the beauty.”

“Look!” He holds out picture’s he’s saved on his phone.

“I hate you,” mutters Hajime.

“Shio, that’s enough.”

“He can make memes of us too,” Shio pleads. “Hirako, these are the best way to communicate ever.”

Hajime snatches Shio’s phone, which of course has no service. In two seconds he displays his own meme.

“Yesssss!” Shio giggles, and Hirako groans.

@hamliet

“Come on, Special Class Ui.” Hajime snickers.

“Squad Zero’s meme game is nothing to laugh at,” Ui snaps.

Hajime holds up the phone he stole from Shio.

“Yusa, your turn,” Hirako hands him the phone.

“He protec but he also attack,” says Yusa.

“That’s not how you meme,” lectures Ui. “You need pictures!”

“Understood, sir. I will correct.” Yusa draws a deep breath.

“I won’t give you the time.” Ui holds up a meme.

“Haha, Squad Zero has weak memes!” taunts Hajime.

“Oh yeah?” Shio holds up Hirako’s tablet.

“Shio!” screams Rikai.

“Here we gooooooooooooooo.”

Ui gasps. “Take that back!”

“No.” Rikai scowls.

“Shio, you’re fighting Ui instead of Hajime. Hajime is is a meme master. Fight him like one,” Hirako says.

Hajime holds up the phone.

Squad Zero huddles for a moment, then emerges with their meme.

“Huh?” says Ui.

“Oh, you didn’t know Arima and Hairu and Furuta are all part ghoul?” Hirako blinks. “Sit down, young ones, and listen to our story.”

shio discover memes

Glory be.

“One does not just simply walk into GOAT’s layer,” Shio lectures Hajime.

“What the fuck, kid?”

“You can’t be undermine by your own youth if you insult me over mine.” Shio points to his head with a smirk.

“Are you meming me?” Hajime is aghast.

“Shio!” Hirako, Yusa, and Rikai burst into the cell. “What on earth are you doing.

Shio holds his hands out. “Memes.”

“I have discovered memes, and I must use them!” cries Shio. “Hajime knows they’re the best. Yusa, Rikai; you must know the beauty.”

“Look!” He holds out picture’s he’s saved on his phone.

“I hate you,” mutters Hajime.

“Shio, that’s enough.”

“He can make memes of us too,” Shio pleads. “Hirako, these are the best way to communicate ever.”

Hajime snatches Shio’s phone, which of course has no service. In two seconds he displays his own meme.

“Yesssss!” Shio giggles, and Hirako groans.

Character they’re most like-

Perrrrfect.

I’ve sorted the characters according to their introductory affiliation.

Anteiku/Re Affiliates

Kaneki Ken – Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Nagachika Hideyoshi – Charlotte, The Princess and the Frog

Yoshimura Kuzen – Mufasa, The Lion King

Kamishiro Rize – Megara, Hercules

Kirishima Touka – Nala, The Lion King

Koma Enji – Pumba, The Lion King

Irimi Kaya – Timon, The Lion King

Yomo Renji – Phil, Hercules

Kosaka Yoriko – Princess Anna of Arendelle, Frozen

Hinami Feuguchi – Princess Snow White, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Nishiki Nishio – Mushu, Mulan

Nishino Kimi – Jane Porter, Tarzan

Tsukiyama Family

Tsukiyama Shuu – Lumeiere, Beauty and the Beast

Karren von Rosewald – Mulan, Mulan

Matsumae – Mrs. Potts, Beauty and the Beast

Mirumo – Fa Zhou, Mulan

Chie Hori – Merida, Brave

Clowns

Uta – Hades, Hercules

Itori – Merryweather, Sleeping Beauty

Hoito Roma – Stepmother Tremaine, Cinderella

Nimura Furuta – Prince Hans, Frozen

Rio/Shikorae – Thomas, Pocahontas

Nico – Iago, Aladdin

Donato Porpora – Frollo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Aogiri Tree

Kirishima Ayato – also Merida, Brave

Yamori – Shan Yu, Mulan

Tatara – Jafar, Aladdin

Yoshimura Eto – Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty

Noro – Floatsom or Jetsom, The Little Mermaid

CCG

Amon Koutarou – Captain Phoebus, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Takizawa Seidou – Prince Naveen, The Princess and the Frog

Mado Akira – Esmeralda, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Houji Kousuke- General Li, Mulan

Mado Kureo – Professor Porter, Tarzan

Marude Itsuki – Zazu, The Lion King

Washuu Yoshitoki – King Stefan, Sleeping Beauty

Washuu Matsuri – Prince Phillip, Sleeping Beauty

Washuu Tsuneyoshi – The Horned King, The Black Cauldron

Kuriowa Takeomi – Kristoff, Frozen

Kuriowa Iwao – King Hubert, Sleeping Beauty

Aura Kiyoko – Queen Eleanor, Brave

Tanakamaru Mougan – Chien Po, Mulan

Shinohara Yukinori – Maximus, Tangled

Hajime Hazuki – Grumpy, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Arima Squad

Ihei Hairu – Rapunzel, Tangled

Arima Kishou – Kida, Atlantis

Ui Koori – John Smith, Pocahontas

Take Hirako – Flora, Sleeping Beauty

Ihei Shio – Bambi, Bambi

Arima Yusa – Pascal, Tangled

Souza Rikai – Kahn, Mulan

Yasuhisa Kurona – Tiana, The Princess and the Frog

Suzuya Squad

Suzuya Juuzou – Rapunzel, Tangled

Keijin Nakarai – Flynn Rider, Tangled

Hanbee Abara – also Thomas, Pocahontas

Miyuki Mikage – Milo, Atlantis

Mizurou Tamaki – Nakoma, Pocahontas

Quinx Squad

Yonebayashi Saiko – Ariel, The Little Mermaid

Shirazu Ginshi – Sebastian, The Little Mermaid

Urie Kuki – Hercules, Hercules

Mutsuki Tooru – Elsa, Frozen

Hsaio Ching-Li – Pocahontas, Pocahontas

Aura Shinsanpei – Scar, The Lion King

Higemaru Touma – Flounder, The Little Mermaid