auntie koharu telling masanori and miki embarrassing stories about their dad when he was younger and ui is absolutely horrified

Koharu is from @koyuki-tan‘s “Peace Sign.”

“Hey kids, want to hear about the time Daddy was trying to cook for Mommy?” Koharu smiles and smoothes her hair.

“Yesssss.” Masanori rubs his hands together. Miki bounces up and down.

“Well, he wanted to make er a birthday surprise. What actually happened was he tried to make melon buns.” Koharu leans forward. “But Mommy got off work early that day. She entered the door and – whoosh! – he was so surprised he spilt the sticky mix right on her.”

She’d then come in to find them taking a shower together, but the kids didn’t need to know that part.

“When he was reaaaaaally young, like your age, Miki, he also tried to cook. He wanted to make ramen for me and him.” Koharu smirks. “But we didn’t have noodles. So I took worms and old him they were noodles, and he served it to our whole family.”

Masanori giggles. “Then what happened?”

“He was the only one who’d taken a bite. Of broth, not even the worms. But he cried, vomited, and ran around screaming for the rest of the night. Oh, I’ve never seen him cry so much or so hard.” Koharu nods as she hears a cough from behind her.

“Why would you tel that story? It’s disgusting!” Ui is properly horrified.

Hairu doubles over with laughter. “Ui, you ate worms?”

“I trusted her!” Ui points desperately at Koharu. His face burns.

“Don’t kiss me tonight,” Hairu says with a wink.

Crack head cannon: cochela doesn’t give prisoners haircuts, so when sasaki was released his hair was quite long and at first glance he could easily pass as a woman. During the tour around the ccg squad zero kids don’t help and further solidify to passerby’s that the new squad member is a girl much to Haises annoyance. Next day he comes in with a haircut. Everyone was left to believe the lady quit after her first day and tease Arima for years. Until Arima tells the story at Haises x mas party.

lollololololololllllllllllllllll

“Okay, okay, you think Hajime’s a brat, but do you know what the Squad Zero kids did?” demands Ui. His arm is almost, but not quite, around Hairu’s shoulders. Propriety. Yeah, that’s it.

“Do tell,” says Akira, clutching her seventh glass of wine.

“Please don’t,” says Sasaki.

“Arima, tell it.” Saiko winks. She’s heard Arima is a legendary storyteller, too.

Arima winces. “Well…”

“Come on, out with it.” Hairu giggles. Rikai, Yusa, and Shio bury their heads in their hands.

“So.” Arima sits down. “One long day, our Squad was gifted with a new investigator. Their hair was white and flowed to their shoulders. Shiny as a shampoo commercial.”

Sasaki’s face is now crimson.

“And then, our darling prodigies decided to introduce everyone to ‘the new woman in our squad.’”

“I was excited to have someone think we had three females,” Rikai insists.

“Was I not enough?” Hairu counters.

“Take me,” says Saiko.

“This new woman vanished the next day, and coincidentally, we replaced them wth Sasaki Haise.” Arima sips his tea. “Or so the Bureau Legend goes.”

Urie rolls his eyes. A grin spreads over Shirazu’s face.

“You mean that story isn’t true?” Mutsuki asks.

“Ask the lady.” Arima points to Sasaki. “Amazing what the power of a haircut can do.”

“You!” Akira doubles over laughing.

“You kids were such a handful!” Ui shakes his head at the three junior investigators.

“Don’t ruin our urban legend,” Shio begs. “Keep it quiet.”

“We are powerful masters of myth,” Yusa intones.

“Madam Sasaki, may I have this dance?” Shirazu sticks out his hand.

“Sure.” Sasaki grabs Shirazu and spins him in a circle as everyone laughs.

oh oh ui and hairu were planning on having a simple New Years party for just the two of them but brooke (my best girl) and the rest of her squad (and maybe the zero squad kiddies because something tells me they’d be all over this) totally crash their party by making it totally wild and fun much to ui’s displeasure.

Also based on @koyuki-tan‘s “Peace Sign.”

“Now this is my idea of a party,” says Ui, pouring two glasses of wine for Hairu and he. “Just us.”

“Hmmm, and what else can we do before New Years,” Hairu murmurs, a seductive grin on her lips.

Ui leans towards her. Her fingers unbutton his shirt.

“Surprise, elected hosts!” Their door crashes open. Ui gasps, and Hairu sloshes her wine onto her blouse.

“Oh my.” Brooke blinks at the sight of Ui desperately trying to mop Hairu’s blouse. “Kids, don’t look. This isn’t a sight for innocent eyes.”

“He’s just trying to clean her shirt,” Shio says in confusion.

“Let’s agree to that,” Brooke says quickly.

“It’s okay, Ui, it was an old shirt anyways.” Hairu smiles. She wasn’t planning on wearing it for long anyways, even it’s not exactly off for the reason she expected.

“We heard you weren’t coming to any parties, so we decided to bring the party to you,” Rikai says shyly, holding out an offering of cake.

“Apology accepted,” Hairu says, sniffing the pan.

“Ui, your fly is open,” Brooke says.

“What!” Ui gasps, but of course, it’s not true.

He glowers at her as the Zero Squad kids howl with laughter.

Their doorbell rings.

“Who else did you invite?” Ui asks with dread. Koharu’s on a date. Carma is moping, Marie is helping her, and Michiko is with Mizurou. That leaves…

“Surprise!” Brooke whips open the door as a dozen kids pour in.

“What a nice apartment!” shouts Hajime.

“Can you believe we get to stay up til midnight?” Mayazumi yells back.

“How do the Oggai have better manners than you?!” Ui fires at Brooke. He will have to inform Koharu about this. Definitely. New Year’s is canceled.

But when he turns around, Hairu is already cranking up the stereo, and Hajime’s asking her to dance…and even Ui Koori has to admit, they’re pretty cute.

Ui kneels in the office for whatever reason and Hairu thinks he’s proposing, while everyone is present

Yasssss.

Ui curses silently as his pen drops to the floor of their meeting room. How will he be able to take notes without it?

He drops to his knees before Hairu, who is distracted by her conversation with Hirako.

Hirako raises his eyebrows to cut Hairu off. She spins around and gasps. “Koori!”

He opens his mouth in confusion. “Huh?”

“Say yes!” Shio cheers.

“Yes, of course, yes.” Hairu’s face is as pink as her hair.

“Wait, what?” Ui’s mouth drops. “You all think – wait – Hairu – I’m not actually – I’m grabbing a pen.” He holds it up.

“Oh.” Her shoulders slump. Now her face is cherry red. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Ui stands and leans in close. “I’d make it far more romantic than in a morning meeting.”

Hairu giggles.

“Wait, so you’re not engaged? Come on,” Yusa complains. “How long are you gonna keep us waiting?”

Ariam strides in. “We’re running on time, Yusa.”

“No, we’re talking about Ui and Hairu not being engaged,” Rikai says.

Arima frowns. “Come again?”

“You really haven’t noticed?” Hirako exclaims.

As the room descends into bickering chaos, Hairu leans over to Ui and plants a peck on his cheek. “Well, at least now you already know my answer.”

some nsfw uihai and koharu accidentally walks in on them.

Ahhhhhh yassssssssssss.

Read @koyuki-tan‘s “Peace Sign” for context. And for Uihai.

“Koori,” Hairu moans as Ui nuzzles between her legs.”You make me so happy.”

“So do you, princess.” Ui gasps as she bends over to leave a hickey on his shoulder. Should be easy enough to cover up so Arima doesn’t see.

“I don’t want to be a princess,” Hairu teases, rolling Ui over. Their bed creaks. “I want to be a knight.”

“A princess knight?” Ui suggests. “I’ll be your loyal sidekick.”

“Not sidekick. Partner. You’re my second half, Koori,” Hairu says, grunting a little as Ui enters her.

“We’re two halves to a whole,” he agrees. Sweat droplets beads his brow, and Hairu lifts her head to kiss them off.

They’re getting into a rocking rhythm, Hairu is squealing and Ui is gasping, they’re only focused on each other and –

“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” Koharu screams. For a second, her hair turns white.

“Oh, hi, Koharu.” Hairu waves. “We weren’t expecting you.”

“Clearly,” Koharu manages. Or they would have shut the door. “I’ll just, uh, let myself out now…”

She cackles to herself as she exits. She’s never going to let Ui hear the end of this. Oh, the blackmail she will have!

Ui moans, resting his head on Hairu’s chest.

“Now then, it’s not a big deal. Don’t worry so much, Koori.” Hairu kisses his nose. “Where were we?”

Crack head cannon (which is really just a contraction of a previous crack head cannon): Ui Koori doesn’t help with the rumors surrounding the Quinx mentor, and to anyone that askes, he’ll tell them it’s cruella deville’s psychotic cousin

It begins with an un-caffeinated Ui, out of cigarettes and fresh out of bed.

“Ui, who is Sasaki?” asks Yusa.

“Cruella DeVille’s psychotic cousin,” Ui grumbles.

Yusa’s eyes widen, and he races off. Ui slides into his seat, not thinking much of their exchange.

An hour later, Shio appears. “Ui sir, who is Sasaki?”

“The Quinx Leader,” Ui says simply.

Shio pouts. “Why are you boring with me? You told Yusa something funny!”

“I did?” Ui thinks for a second. “Hmm…okay, Sasaki is Maleficent’s brother. Complete with the dragon.”

Shio claps his hands in approval.

Rikai is only five minutes behind Shio. “Who is Sasaki?”

“The personification of decaf coffee and e-cigarettes,” Ui replies, staring straight into her eyes.

Finally, he can get back to work.

“Kooriiiiiii,” sings a voice. Hairu waltzes in, and Ui brightens immediately. “I have something for you.”

“Yes?”

Hairu holds out a sugar cube.

Ui takes it eagerly, but gags after it settles on his tongue. “Hairu!”

“It’s a salt cube! Just like you,” Hairu cheers.

“You heard what I was saying about Sasaki, didn’t you?” Ui complains, spitting out the cube.

“Yup.” Hairu softens. “Be nice, okay, Salt-senpai?” She offers him two more cubes. “I promise these are real sugar this time.”

crack head cannon; when sasaki was first released from chochela, koori ui still called him by his prison id and Arima told him to play nice with the other kids while haise stared off at the security cameras like he was on the office

“Number 240,” Ui says, “do you have the paperwork ready? I can help you fill it out.”

Sasaki frowns at him, as if he knows there’s something wrong with what Ui just said, but can’t for the life of him figure it out.

“No, think you,” says Sasaki.

Ui does not trust him. He still knew enough to recognize his prison code. How can Arima really trust him? He’s a ghoul.

“Sassan, would you like a melon pun?” Hairu skips into their office, a large, sweet-smelling bag in her hand. “I bought them for the kids, but there’s plenty for us, too.”

“We love you, Hairu,” says Shio, rushing towards his cousin.

“Thank you,” says Sasaki as everyone, even Arima, crowds around Hairu.

“Ui, are you not hungry?” Hairu turns to him with her eyes wide.

“I just…don’t trust 240,” Ui complains.

“Ui, play nice with the other kids,” Arima says before returning to his desk with a melon bun clutched in his hand.

Sasaki forces a smile. Not that he entirely understands, but he knows Ui doesn’t like him and Arima has apparently defended him.

hairu and ui rapping

Hairu grabs the mic. She can’t believe she’s up here, after she and Ui lost a bet with Hirako. Now, instead of Ui’s typical karaoke, they must perform their own rap.

Hairu nods, and on cue she and Ui adorn Arima-style glasses.

Hairu takes it first. “Said little ghoul, you can’t fuck with me, If you wanted to.
These expensive, these is spiked pommel, These is bloody sword.
IXA or Owl, I can use ‘em both, I don’t wanna choose. And I’m quick, perfect my dodge, don’t get comfortable.”

Ui clears his throat. “Look, I don’t dance now, I make quinque moves. Say I don’t gotta dance, I’ll make ghouls move. If I see you and I don’t speak, that means I will fuck with you. I’m a reaper, you a worker bitch, I make bloody moves!”

Hirako motions for them to continue. A light on his phone makes it clear he’s filming, to Ui’s horror.

Hairu raises her voice. “Now Raven says he gon’ do what to who? Let’s find out and see, CCG, you know where I’m at, you know where I be.”

Ui nods. “You in the squad just to party I’m there, I get paid a fee; I be in and out them jails so much, I know they’re tired of me. Honestly, don’t give a fuck
‘Bout who ain’t fond of me.”

Hairu cuts in. “Dropped two SS in six months, what ghoul working as hard as me? I don’t bother with these ghouls, don’t let these ghouls bother me. They see medals, they say goals, Bitch, I’m who they tryna be!”

Ui pauses. “Wait, ghoul? I think you messed up.”

Hey there! Could I request some Ui and Koharu scenarios?

In case you are not aware, readers, Koharu is Ui’s sister as describes in the lovely story “Peace Sign” by @koyuki-tan. She’s pretty great, and so is the story. https://archiveofourown.org/works/12422457?view_full_work=true

“Ooh, a melon bun.” Koharu eyes the bag in Ui’s hands.

Ui flushes on his way into his office. “Um…it’s not for you.”

“You just got enough for you and Hairuuuuuu,” Koharu purrs, hardly bothered. “Is tonight the night I’m going to become an auntie?”

“Koharu, shut up.” Ui slammed his office door in her face.

She knows she probably deserved that, but no matter. Koharu skips off to fill the rest of the beta-Quinx Squad in on Ui’s latest date ideas.

“It’s not even his latest idea,” Brooke complains. “Didn’t he do that two days ago, too?”

“Well, yes, but it’s cute,” Carma says quickly.

Michiko blushes. Mizurou and she often split meals in their offices. She finds it very romantic.

“We need to pressure that boy into proposing. Or at the least, confessing to Arima,” says Marie.

“Same difference, really,” Koharu muses. She wants Hairu as her sister-in-law. Hairu is good for Ui.

When Ui and Hairu finally emerge from his office – notably rumpled – Koharu grins slyly. Brooke winks at her.

“Shut up,” Ui mumbles as he passes Koharu.

“Koori, that’s not very nice,” says Hairu. She flashes a smile at Koharu. “Ui bought me melon buns again!”

“He knows you love them because he loves you,” Koharu says.

“Koharu!” Ui turns beet red.

“What?! You do. There’s no shame in my saying it.”

“I know, I just – Koharu – can you not -” Ui is too flustered to eek out a proper reply.

“I love him too.” Hairu turns around, and in full view of Koharu and her squad, kisses Ui.

In the background, Brooke holds up a camera.

Miki tells off Papa Koori for smoking please

“Daddy!” Miki stomps up to Ui the second she and Masanori arrive home from school.

“How was school?” Hairu hugs Masanori.

“Daddy smokes!” Miki screeches. “We learned about smoking. It is BAD and it will KILL YOU. YOUR LUNGS ARE ASH!”

She begins crying. “Daddy has ASH LUNGS! He’s like Cinderella, only inside!”

Masanori screams. “No, Daddy’s stronger than that!”

“Daddy will die!” Miki sobs.

Hairu blinks slowly as Ui gives her a desperate glare. Help me.

Ui cringes. This on-again, off-again habit of his has finally bit him in the ass. “Miki, Miki, Daddy’s not leaving you.”

“You won’t have a choice,” she hisses.

“Your Mom will donate some of her ghoul stem cells,” he teases.

“Hey!” Hairu sticks out her tongue. She’s secretly pleased Miki is all upset. Maybe Ui will finally kick his habit for good this time. “Not if you don’t stop, I won’t.”

“I’ll stop. For you, Miki. And you, Masanori.” Ui pulls his daughter closer to him. “I never want to lose you.”

“And Mommy?” Masanori asks.

Hairu grins. I raised me a good kid. It’s oddly touching. Maybe because she and Ui didn’t have many good models in their lives.

“Of course.” Ui holds out a hand to draw Hairu to his side. “Now…come help me throw out my cigarettes.”

He’s scared as hell, but for his family, he can do anything.