Uihai playing a good game of monopoly

“You’re being so mean.” Ui pouts.

“I’m being mean?” Hairu gasps.

“You threw me in jail!” Ui crosses his arms.

“That’s because I’m bankrupting you,” Hairu says gleefully, moving her battleship along.

“I’ve never lost Monopoly before,” Ui growls. “We’ll see who bankrupts who!”

“If Arima were here, he’d win for sure.” Hairu giggles.

“I’m good at this, too.” Ui sniffs. Hairu sticks out her tongue.

But he is good. So good, in fact, that when Arima, Hirako, and Squad Zero return to CCG the next morning, they find the two still battling at Hairu’s desk.

“Have you been here all night?” Arima is amazed.

“Children, never do that,” Hirako adds.

“I’m so close,” Ui whispers through bloodshot eyes.

“I won’t cave. I’ll be strong, like you taught me, Arima,” Hairu replies, not taking her eyes off the board.

“Someone’s gotta film this.” Shio flips open his phone.

“What’s going on?” Suzuya Juuzou runs in. “Ooh, that looks fun!”

He grabs the board.

“Noooooooooooooooooooo!” Ui stands in slow motion. Hairu falls backwards.

“It’s a draw,” Arima declares. “Now both of you go home and sleep. You’re in no shape for battle.”

“I was a battleship,” Hairu says dreamily.

“Preferably together,” Hirako adds. The kids burst into giggles, and Arima glares at him.

The misadventures of baby masanori

Everything is a misadventure with baby Masanori.

Hairu and Ui first learned he could crawl when he disappeared from his room one night. As Ui melted down and called Arima in a panic over their kidnapped child, Hairu found baby Masanori in the bathroom. He was splashing toilet water.

His first word was “mwah.” It’s what Auntie Eto told him to say.

Masanori’s first sentence was “I love you,” to his daddy. Ui melted and Arima (after a poke from Eto) told Ui he was proud of him.

He once decided to give Mommy a haircut. She woke up to her bangs snipped off with scissor. Hairu was more upset that she had to wear her hair different than Ui than she was about the actual haircut.

Masanori once tried to convince Auntie Eto to give him human flesh to eat. Just to try it. Ui nearly passed out and Hairu was pissed.

When he grows up, he wants to be Uncle Uta or Uncle Shio.

His favorite day of the year is his birthday, because Uncles Shio and Yusa, and Auntie Rikai, play water balloons with him. Next year he’s planning to rig traps that dump dozens of balloons on his enemies at once. Hairu encourages this, and Ui will be helping build the traps. It’s only fair because Hirako is preparing the rest of the Zero Squad kids.

hairu discovers memes too

“First Class Ihei, what say you?” Arima smiles at her.

Hairu beams back. “The ghouls will respond like this!”

She holds out her phone.

“We’re the second picture, obviously.”

“I see.” Arima struggles not to laugh. Shio, Rikai, and Yusa are lost causes.

Hirako snickers. “Sounds like we all agree.”

As they rise from their meeting, Hairu adds, “Arima, have you ever played with memes? They’re so funny.”

“Do explain,” Arima says.

“Okay. For today, I will only communicate in memes!” Hairu cheers. “It’s the cleverest form of communication.”

“You’re the clever one,” Ui says lightly.

Hairu’s eyes light up. She taps something on her phone and holds it up for Ui.

“Yes, I do.”

“Okay, boo,” Hairu sings to Ui, who blushes.

When they return, Kijima approaches.

Ui scowls, and Hairu grips his hand.

She hasn’t held his hand before. His eyes widen.

“Both of you are wanted in Hirako’s office,” says Kijima.

“Cool.” As soon as his back is turned, Hairu unveils another meme.

UI doubles over laughing. When they arrive in Hirako’s office, he sees a very smug grin on their colleague’s face.

“Our youths have their own memes. I hope you haven’t missed your phone too much, Ui.”

Ui gasps. He hadn’t even noticed – he was focused on Hairu.

Hirako wiggles his eyebrows.

In a fit of giggles, Shio holds out Ui’s phone to Hairu.

How to you think Tsukiyama has managed to teach Naki how babies are made?

“Today, Naki,” Tsukiyama pauses dramatically, “is the day we learn the riddle to the ancient mystery.”

“Misery?” Naki’s eyes widen.

“How babies are made!” Tsukiyama cheers.

Ayato is just close enough to overhear. “Walk faster, Hinami.”

“Can we listen?” Ihei Shio, Souza Rikai, and Arima Yusa slip into the room.

“Of course. Everyone must know at some point.” Shuu begins drawing on the chalkboard. “This is a male’s reproductive system.”

Riki’s face is bright red, but Naki chatters eagerly. “You drew it so big.”

“I have my inspirations.” Tsukiyama winks, and the children giggle.

“Now for the female flower.” Tsukiyama resumes drawing. “And what you’ll notice is that the male has a stem to insert into the flower…”

When he finishes a florid description of intercourse – complete with chalkboard art – everyone stares blankly at him.

“Any questions?”

Yusa waves his hand. His face is green. “Is this where Touka’s baby came from?”

“Kaneki would never! He and Touka wouldn’t touch – like that – ” Naki’s face turns red.

“Why not? It’s beautiful!” Tsukiyama winks. “You’re telling me you never wanted to touch Miza like that?”

Naki squeaks.

The door flies open, and Kaneki Ken, Kusakari Miza, Hirako Take, and Nishiki Nishio stare at a chalkboard peppered with both scientific drawings and possibly sketched porn.

Nishiki doubles over laughing, Kaneki nearly faints, Hirako cries, and Miza storms over to pick up Naki.

“Do you want to make a baby?” He smiles up at her.

shio discover memes

soutasnotebook:

Glory be.

“One does not just simply walk into GOAT’s layer,” Shio lectures Hajime.

“What the fuck, kid?”

“You can’t be undermine by your own youth if you insult me over mine.” Shio points to his head with a smirk.

“Are you meming me?” Hajime is aghast.

“Shio!” Hirako, Yusa, and Rikai burst into the cell. “What on earth are you doing.

Shio holds his hands out. “Memes.”

“I have discovered memes, and I must use them!” cries Shio. “Hajime knows they’re the best. Yusa, Rikai; you must know the beauty.”

“Look!” He holds out picture’s he’s saved on his phone.

“I hate you,” mutters Hajime.

“Shio, that’s enough.”

“He can make memes of us too,” Shio pleads. “Hirako, these are the best way to communicate ever.”

Hajime snatches Shio’s phone, which of course has no service. In two seconds he displays his own meme.

“Yesssss!” Shio giggles, and Hirako groans.

@hamliet

“Come on, Special Class Ui.” Hajime snickers.

“Squad Zero’s meme game is nothing to laugh at,” Ui snaps.

Hajime holds up the phone he stole from Shio.

“Yusa, your turn,” Hirako hands him the phone.

“He protec but he also attack,” says Yusa.

“That’s not how you meme,” lectures Ui. “You need pictures!”

“Understood, sir. I will correct.” Yusa draws a deep breath.

“I won’t give you the time.” Ui holds up a meme.

“Haha, Squad Zero has weak memes!” taunts Hajime.

“Oh yeah?” Shio holds up Hirako’s tablet.

“Shio!” screams Rikai.

“Here we gooooooooooooooo.”

Ui gasps. “Take that back!”

“No.” Rikai scowls.

“Shio, you’re fighting Ui instead of Hajime. Hajime is is a meme master. Fight him like one,” Hirako says.

Hajime holds up the phone.

Squad Zero huddles for a moment, then emerges with their meme.

“Huh?” says Ui.

“Oh, you didn’t know Arima and Hairu and Furuta are all part ghoul?” Hirako blinks. “Sit down, young ones, and listen to our story.”

shio discover memes

Glory be.

“One does not just simply walk into GOAT’s layer,” Shio lectures Hajime.

“What the fuck, kid?”

“You can’t be undermine by your own youth if you insult me over mine.” Shio points to his head with a smirk.

“Are you meming me?” Hajime is aghast.

“Shio!” Hirako, Yusa, and Rikai burst into the cell. “What on earth are you doing.

Shio holds his hands out. “Memes.”

“I have discovered memes, and I must use them!” cries Shio. “Hajime knows they’re the best. Yusa, Rikai; you must know the beauty.”

“Look!” He holds out picture’s he’s saved on his phone.

“I hate you,” mutters Hajime.

“Shio, that’s enough.”

“He can make memes of us too,” Shio pleads. “Hirako, these are the best way to communicate ever.”

Hajime snatches Shio’s phone, which of course has no service. In two seconds he displays his own meme.

“Yesssss!” Shio giggles, and Hirako groans.

uihai cuddling in the ccg and didnt notice arima, hirako and the squad 0 kids staring at them

yassssss

“Koori, I’m cold.” It’s late at night in the CCG, and Hairu smells a perfect opportunity.

“Are you?” Ui sidles up to her desk and draws her close to him. He sits and she slides onto his lap. “Hi.”

“Hi yourself.” Hairu strokes his cheek and smiles. “I love you, Koori.”

“I love you, too.” He kisses the top of her forehead. “Is the paperwork good?”

“Almost. But now that I’m comfortable, I could totally stay longer.” Hairu winks, and Ui laughs. She always makes him laugh.

The flash of a camera catches Ui’s attention. “Who?”

He and Hairu both scream to see Hirako and Arima standing in the – admitted open – doorway. Shio holds a camera, and Yusa and Rikai peer out from behind Arima.

“Comfortable?” Hirako asks.

Ui flushes, but Hairu replies, “Very.”

“Good.” Arima’s face is bright red. “It’s bedtime, kids.”

“But I wanted to see her kiss him!” pouts Shio.

“I wanted to see him kiss her,” Rikai adds.

“Aw.” Hairu giggles. “We can’t disappoint them, Koori.”

“Huh?” Ui gasps as she presses her lips to his.

“Your turn.” Hairu pulls away.

Arima winks at him, and Ui’s pulse relaxes. He draws her close and savors every taste. Zero Squad claps in the background.

Ui goes Horse ridding 🐴

“What do you mean, you’ve never ridden a horse? Didn’t you grow up in a wealthy family?” Hairu is scandalized. Even she’s ridden a horse.

“I haven’t.” Ui gulps.

“Well.” Hirako drains his coffee. “You’re going today. We’ve got a few hours.”

“What – I -” With Hairu grabbing his left arm and Hirako his right, Ui realizes there’s no use protesting.

—————————————

“Hi, horsey,” he mutters when he’s standing below the majestic, speckled beast.

The horse snorts.

He’s faced ghouls and risked his life. He can ride a horse.

“Is this your first time?” The trainer asks, as if he’s a little kid.

Ui nods.

“Nope,” Hirako says, and Hairu nods.

Ui cringes. He doesn’t wanna do this.

—————————————

“Okay, put your foot in the stirrups.” The trainer is an old woman who looks like she has about two millennia on Ui. “Hoist yourself up.”

“Ah!” Ui squeaks, but manages. Once in the saddle, he breathes deeply. This is less scary than Suzuya’s motorcycle trick.

“Ui!” Hairu waves from the pen where she’s cantering on her snow-white horse.

He waves back, tentatively.

But when the horse trots forward, his heart soars. He’s doing it. He’s facing his fear.

Of course, he muses, rubbing the horse’s neck, it helps when that fear is fuzzy.

uihai wherein hairu finds out she is pregnant and ui does not yet know she is part ghoul. bonus if arima is still alive and hairu is worried about telling ui about her pregnancy and if hirako and 0 squad kidlets make an appearance. the ghoul thing should come out somehow… some way… and give ui another existential crisis

I mean Ui is basically one walking existential crisis.

SO much Uihai angst! Much love.

“Hairu is – I mean – um – Hairu is pregnant,” Ui tells Arima, gripping his lover’s hand. “We’re going to keep the baby.”

To his surprise, Arima isn’t angry, but he does exchange a long, firm look with Hairu. “I’m assuming Ui is the father.”

“Yes,” Ui says quickly.

“Congratulations,” Arima says, albeit stiffly.

When they leave his office, Hirako is waiting with a smirk. “Finally, Ui, you learn what it’s like to disappoint your father.”

“It’s as much me as him,” Hairu cuts in.

“Hey, I’m happy for you both. Arima is too. He’s just emotionally constipated.” Hirako shrugs and wanders into Arima’s office.

“Don’t worry.” Ui hugs her. “If worse comes to worse, I’ll distract the gossips and you punch them.”

But that’s not why she’s worried.

Arima texts Hairu an hour later. You need to tell him.

My child needs a father, she replies.

Don’t think so little of him, he types back.

Oh, like you told Hirako and not Koori? Hairu sighs. She ought to be happy right now. She and her beloved Koori are having a baby. She’s always wanted to be a mom. Sorry, Arima.

But when her genetic tests come back in her fourth month, Hairu plans to burn them before Ui sees the Rc count. She crumples the paper on her desk and staggers to the bathroom first.

But before she can, she spins around to see Ui reading them, with all the excitement of a normal father to be.

“Uh.” Hairu freezes.

“They’re Rc-count is wild. Is this a joke?” Ui looks horrified. “What if someone’s been poisoning you? Hairu! How do you feel?”

“Cranky and fat,” she tries to joke.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Kijima appears with a gaggle of guards behind him. “Ihei Hairu, you are under arrest under suspicion of harboring a ghoul’s child.”

Ui gasps. “How dare you!”

“You aren’t touching me or my baby!” Hairu knocks Kijima back. She turns to Ui. “It’s yours, I swear.”

“I know.” Ui is perplexed. “Why is the Rc count so off?”

Kijima twists Hairu’s hand behind her back.

“Get away from her!” Ui cries, shoving him.

“It’s off because we are Washuus.” Arima Kishou storms his way in. Hirako, Shio, Yusa, and Rikai are on his left; Haise Sasaki and the Quinx at his right. “We have an abnormally high Rc count.”

His lips curl. “The result of interbreeding humans and ghouls. In test tubes.”

Ui grips the desk to keep from falling. “Hairu, is it true?”

Hairu nods. She slumps over in the Kijima’s arms. He must have special plans for a pregnant ghoul.

“Release her,” orders Arima.

“Do you have the authority, ghoul?” Kijima laughs.

“I’ll say he does,” Sasaki says, and Hirako affirms.

Ui meets Hairu’s eyes and mouths a word.

“Look!” Ui gasps and points behind Kijima.

The inspector whirls around, and Hairu punches him in the back of his head. She leaps into Ui’s arms.

“I don’t care what Hairu is or what our baby is. Get away,” Ui seethes.

“You’re surrounded by hybrids. I’d do as he commands,” Shio adds.

“Well, it’s happening. Congrats, you two are gonna bring down CCG.” Arima shrugs.

Ui cups Hairu’s face in his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was s-scared, Koori. I want you. The baby needs you.”

“And I need you both.” Ui embraces her.

“Hi.” Hirako waves his hand. “Hi, lovebirds. We have a Bureau to overthrow.”

Koori trying to put together IKEA furniture

Whoever you are, Nonny-Mouse, I love you for this ask.

Ui Koori closes his eyes, leans back, and screams.

“Wow.” Hirako Take leans around the corner, from where he and Arima Kishou are constructing a bed for Koori and his newlywed Ihei Hairu. Arima has had zero problems putting together this blasted furniture; in fact, everything finished can be attributed to him.

“I hate all the tiny, tiny pieces and pieces and more pieces and more pieces! Give me ghouls any day.”

“Koori!” Hairu hurries in from the bathroom, which she just finished decorating with the seashells they collected on their honeymoon. “What’s wrong?”

Ui points to the misshapen cabinets. “I fucked-ed it up. Wah. Help me.”

“Koori.” Hairu giggles and sits beside him.

“I read the instructions even,” Ui complains. Arima didn’t even have to. He just knew.

Arima would be a better husband to Hairu.

Hairu delivers a knowing glance. She can sense his insecurity.

“You’re doing amazing, sweetie.” She tickles him, and Ui squeals.

“Aieee!”

“Now, two brains are better than one, right team?” Hairu smiles and opens the guide again.

Half an hour later, the cabinets are finished, but Hairu herself keeps muttering about Arima’s uncanny furniture ability.

Ui winks at her, and she nods.

Their plan is set.

Arima walks by, carrying their couch by himself, and they both dive at him. Ui grabs his feet, Hairu his neck. “Tickle tickle!”

Arima just stares. “I’m…not ticklish.”

“He’s the inspector without flaws, remember?” Hirako calls.

Ui frowns, but Hairu shoots back, “Does that mean you’ve tried this too?!”