Masanori playing with Nerf guns with the zero squad kids!

“Look out!” Masanori leaps around the corner and presses a Nerf gun to Shio’s head.

“I am killed!” cries Shio, falling at his nephew’s feet.

“We will avenge you!” Rikai promises, whipping out her own Nerf gun.

Masanori giggles. “Never!”

He fires at her, but Yusa hits him in the chest. “I got your heart!”

“Then give it back!” Masanori sticks out his tongue and peppers Zero Squad with foam bullets.

“Reload!” Shio reawakens from ‘death’ and stuffs more bullets into his gun. Ui and Hairu have no idea he gave Masanori a Nerf gun for his birthday, and Hirako has no idea he paid for it, but hey, as long as the kid is happy, no one should protest.

The door opens, and Masanori shoots his father straight between the eyes.

Ui blinks for a moment, but Hairu leaps into action. “No, not my Ui! God, bring him back!”

She presses her lips against his.

“Ew!” screams Masanori as Shio yells, “Aw!”

Masanori is the Uihai child from @hamliet’s “The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT.”

How to you think Tsukiyama has managed to teach Naki how babies are made?

“Today, Naki,” Tsukiyama pauses dramatically, “is the day we learn the riddle to the ancient mystery.”

“Misery?” Naki’s eyes widen.

“How babies are made!” Tsukiyama cheers.

Ayato is just close enough to overhear. “Walk faster, Hinami.”

“Can we listen?” Ihei Shio, Souza Rikai, and Arima Yusa slip into the room.

“Of course. Everyone must know at some point.” Shuu begins drawing on the chalkboard. “This is a male’s reproductive system.”

Riki’s face is bright red, but Naki chatters eagerly. “You drew it so big.”

“I have my inspirations.” Tsukiyama winks, and the children giggle.

“Now for the female flower.” Tsukiyama resumes drawing. “And what you’ll notice is that the male has a stem to insert into the flower…”

When he finishes a florid description of intercourse – complete with chalkboard art – everyone stares blankly at him.

“Any questions?”

Yusa waves his hand. His face is green. “Is this where Touka’s baby came from?”

“Kaneki would never! He and Touka wouldn’t touch – like that – ” Naki’s face turns red.

“Why not? It’s beautiful!” Tsukiyama winks. “You’re telling me you never wanted to touch Miza like that?”

Naki squeaks.

The door flies open, and Kaneki Ken, Kusakari Miza, Hirako Take, and Nishiki Nishio stare at a chalkboard peppered with both scientific drawings and possibly sketched porn.

Nishiki doubles over laughing, Kaneki nearly faints, Hirako cries, and Miza storms over to pick up Naki.

“Do you want to make a baby?” He smiles up at her.

shio discover memes

soutasnotebook:

Glory be.

“One does not just simply walk into GOAT’s layer,” Shio lectures Hajime.

“What the fuck, kid?”

“You can’t be undermine by your own youth if you insult me over mine.” Shio points to his head with a smirk.

“Are you meming me?” Hajime is aghast.

“Shio!” Hirako, Yusa, and Rikai burst into the cell. “What on earth are you doing.

Shio holds his hands out. “Memes.”

“I have discovered memes, and I must use them!” cries Shio. “Hajime knows they’re the best. Yusa, Rikai; you must know the beauty.”

“Look!” He holds out picture’s he’s saved on his phone.

“I hate you,” mutters Hajime.

“Shio, that’s enough.”

“He can make memes of us too,” Shio pleads. “Hirako, these are the best way to communicate ever.”

Hajime snatches Shio’s phone, which of course has no service. In two seconds he displays his own meme.

“Yesssss!” Shio giggles, and Hirako groans.

@hamliet

“Come on, Special Class Ui.” Hajime snickers.

“Squad Zero’s meme game is nothing to laugh at,” Ui snaps.

Hajime holds up the phone he stole from Shio.

“Yusa, your turn,” Hirako hands him the phone.

“He protec but he also attack,” says Yusa.

“That’s not how you meme,” lectures Ui. “You need pictures!”

“Understood, sir. I will correct.” Yusa draws a deep breath.

“I won’t give you the time.” Ui holds up a meme.

“Haha, Squad Zero has weak memes!” taunts Hajime.

“Oh yeah?” Shio holds up Hirako’s tablet.

“Shio!” screams Rikai.

“Here we gooooooooooooooo.”

Ui gasps. “Take that back!”

“No.” Rikai scowls.

“Shio, you’re fighting Ui instead of Hajime. Hajime is is a meme master. Fight him like one,” Hirako says.

Hajime holds up the phone.

Squad Zero huddles for a moment, then emerges with their meme.

“Huh?” says Ui.

“Oh, you didn’t know Arima and Hairu and Furuta are all part ghoul?” Hirako blinks. “Sit down, young ones, and listen to our story.”

shio discover memes

Glory be.

“One does not just simply walk into GOAT’s layer,” Shio lectures Hajime.

“What the fuck, kid?”

“You can’t be undermine by your own youth if you insult me over mine.” Shio points to his head with a smirk.

“Are you meming me?” Hajime is aghast.

“Shio!” Hirako, Yusa, and Rikai burst into the cell. “What on earth are you doing.

Shio holds his hands out. “Memes.”

“I have discovered memes, and I must use them!” cries Shio. “Hajime knows they’re the best. Yusa, Rikai; you must know the beauty.”

“Look!” He holds out picture’s he’s saved on his phone.

“I hate you,” mutters Hajime.

“Shio, that’s enough.”

“He can make memes of us too,” Shio pleads. “Hirako, these are the best way to communicate ever.”

Hajime snatches Shio’s phone, which of course has no service. In two seconds he displays his own meme.

“Yesssss!” Shio giggles, and Hirako groans.

Character they’re most like-

Perrrrfect.

I’ve sorted the characters according to their introductory affiliation.

Anteiku/Re Affiliates

Kaneki Ken – Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Nagachika Hideyoshi – Charlotte, The Princess and the Frog

Yoshimura Kuzen – Mufasa, The Lion King

Kamishiro Rize – Megara, Hercules

Kirishima Touka – Nala, The Lion King

Koma Enji – Pumba, The Lion King

Irimi Kaya – Timon, The Lion King

Yomo Renji – Phil, Hercules

Kosaka Yoriko – Princess Anna of Arendelle, Frozen

Hinami Feuguchi – Princess Snow White, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Nishiki Nishio – Mushu, Mulan

Nishino Kimi – Jane Porter, Tarzan

Tsukiyama Family

Tsukiyama Shuu – Lumeiere, Beauty and the Beast

Karren von Rosewald – Mulan, Mulan

Matsumae – Mrs. Potts, Beauty and the Beast

Mirumo – Fa Zhou, Mulan

Chie Hori – Merida, Brave

Clowns

Uta – Hades, Hercules

Itori – Merryweather, Sleeping Beauty

Hoito Roma – Stepmother Tremaine, Cinderella

Nimura Furuta – Prince Hans, Frozen

Rio/Shikorae – Thomas, Pocahontas

Nico – Iago, Aladdin

Donato Porpora – Frollo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Aogiri Tree

Kirishima Ayato – also Merida, Brave

Yamori – Shan Yu, Mulan

Tatara – Jafar, Aladdin

Yoshimura Eto – Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty

Noro – Floatsom or Jetsom, The Little Mermaid

CCG

Amon Koutarou – Captain Phoebus, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Takizawa Seidou – Prince Naveen, The Princess and the Frog

Mado Akira – Esmeralda, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Houji Kousuke- General Li, Mulan

Mado Kureo – Professor Porter, Tarzan

Marude Itsuki – Zazu, The Lion King

Washuu Yoshitoki – King Stefan, Sleeping Beauty

Washuu Matsuri – Prince Phillip, Sleeping Beauty

Washuu Tsuneyoshi – The Horned King, The Black Cauldron

Kuriowa Takeomi – Kristoff, Frozen

Kuriowa Iwao – King Hubert, Sleeping Beauty

Aura Kiyoko – Queen Eleanor, Brave

Tanakamaru Mougan – Chien Po, Mulan

Shinohara Yukinori – Maximus, Tangled

Hajime Hazuki – Grumpy, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Arima Squad

Ihei Hairu – Rapunzel, Tangled

Arima Kishou – Kida, Atlantis

Ui Koori – John Smith, Pocahontas

Take Hirako – Flora, Sleeping Beauty

Ihei Shio – Bambi, Bambi

Arima Yusa – Pascal, Tangled

Souza Rikai – Kahn, Mulan

Yasuhisa Kurona – Tiana, The Princess and the Frog

Suzuya Squad

Suzuya Juuzou – Rapunzel, Tangled

Keijin Nakarai – Flynn Rider, Tangled

Hanbee Abara – also Thomas, Pocahontas

Miyuki Mikage – Milo, Atlantis

Mizurou Tamaki – Nakoma, Pocahontas

Quinx Squad

Yonebayashi Saiko – Ariel, The Little Mermaid

Shirazu Ginshi – Sebastian, The Little Mermaid

Urie Kuki – Hercules, Hercules

Mutsuki Tooru – Elsa, Frozen

Hsaio Ching-Li – Pocahontas, Pocahontas

Aura Shinsanpei – Scar, The Lion King

Higemaru Touma – Flounder, The Little Mermaid

uihai cuddling in the ccg and didnt notice arima, hirako and the squad 0 kids staring at them

yassssss

“Koori, I’m cold.” It’s late at night in the CCG, and Hairu smells a perfect opportunity.

“Are you?” Ui sidles up to her desk and draws her close to him. He sits and she slides onto his lap. “Hi.”

“Hi yourself.” Hairu strokes his cheek and smiles. “I love you, Koori.”

“I love you, too.” He kisses the top of her forehead. “Is the paperwork good?”

“Almost. But now that I’m comfortable, I could totally stay longer.” Hairu winks, and Ui laughs. She always makes him laugh.

The flash of a camera catches Ui’s attention. “Who?”

He and Hairu both scream to see Hirako and Arima standing in the – admitted open – doorway. Shio holds a camera, and Yusa and Rikai peer out from behind Arima.

“Comfortable?” Hirako asks.

Ui flushes, but Hairu replies, “Very.”

“Good.” Arima’s face is bright red. “It’s bedtime, kids.”

“But I wanted to see her kiss him!” pouts Shio.

“I wanted to see him kiss her,” Rikai adds.

“Aw.” Hairu giggles. “We can’t disappoint them, Koori.”

“Huh?” Ui gasps as she presses her lips to his.

“Your turn.” Hairu pulls away.

Arima winks at him, and Ui’s pulse relaxes. He draws her close and savors every taste. Zero Squad claps in the background.

Koori and Hairu celebrating each other’s birthdays!

The morning of October 1st, Hairu wakes Ui with a shower of confetti. “Look!”

“Huh?” he asks groggily.

“It’s exactly two days after my birthday and two days before yours.” Hairu pokes him. “It’s Uihai day!”

“Is that what we’re calling it,” he teases.

“Yes. Get up. I made breakfast plans.” Hairu tosses her hair. She fiddles with the framed portrait of Squad Zero Ui gave her two days ago.

“Okay, okay.”

When they enter CCG, caffeinated and happily full, Ihei Shio runs up. “Happy Uihai Day!”

“You did not convince them this was a holiday.” Ui sounds suspicious.

“I 100% did!”

“We wanted it to be a holiday. We like you.” Arima Yusa is perturbed. “Why don’t you like us liking you?”

“I do, I do!” Ui squawks, waving his arms like a demented bird.

“We made you something.” Rikai smiles shyly as she holds out a box. “Well, really, we bought them. But still.”

“We custom-ordered,” sings Shio.

Hairu giggles with delight as they open the package together. Ui laughs when he sees a pair of kokeshi dolls, one with black hair and the other with pink.

“Just like you described,” he says.

Hairu embraces the kids. “How did you know?”

“Arima told us. We may have used his credit card,” Yusa admits.

“They’re perfect.” Hairu kisses Ui on the cheek.

“Almost as perfect as you.” Ui winks.

uihai wherein hairu finds out she is pregnant and ui does not yet know she is part ghoul. bonus if arima is still alive and hairu is worried about telling ui about her pregnancy and if hirako and 0 squad kidlets make an appearance. the ghoul thing should come out somehow… some way… and give ui another existential crisis

I mean Ui is basically one walking existential crisis.

SO much Uihai angst! Much love.

“Hairu is – I mean – um – Hairu is pregnant,” Ui tells Arima, gripping his lover’s hand. “We’re going to keep the baby.”

To his surprise, Arima isn’t angry, but he does exchange a long, firm look with Hairu. “I’m assuming Ui is the father.”

“Yes,” Ui says quickly.

“Congratulations,” Arima says, albeit stiffly.

When they leave his office, Hirako is waiting with a smirk. “Finally, Ui, you learn what it’s like to disappoint your father.”

“It’s as much me as him,” Hairu cuts in.

“Hey, I’m happy for you both. Arima is too. He’s just emotionally constipated.” Hirako shrugs and wanders into Arima’s office.

“Don’t worry.” Ui hugs her. “If worse comes to worse, I’ll distract the gossips and you punch them.”

But that’s not why she’s worried.

Arima texts Hairu an hour later. You need to tell him.

My child needs a father, she replies.

Don’t think so little of him, he types back.

Oh, like you told Hirako and not Koori? Hairu sighs. She ought to be happy right now. She and her beloved Koori are having a baby. She’s always wanted to be a mom. Sorry, Arima.

But when her genetic tests come back in her fourth month, Hairu plans to burn them before Ui sees the Rc count. She crumples the paper on her desk and staggers to the bathroom first.

But before she can, she spins around to see Ui reading them, with all the excitement of a normal father to be.

“Uh.” Hairu freezes.

“They’re Rc-count is wild. Is this a joke?” Ui looks horrified. “What if someone’s been poisoning you? Hairu! How do you feel?”

“Cranky and fat,” she tries to joke.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Kijima appears with a gaggle of guards behind him. “Ihei Hairu, you are under arrest under suspicion of harboring a ghoul’s child.”

Ui gasps. “How dare you!”

“You aren’t touching me or my baby!” Hairu knocks Kijima back. She turns to Ui. “It’s yours, I swear.”

“I know.” Ui is perplexed. “Why is the Rc count so off?”

Kijima twists Hairu’s hand behind her back.

“Get away from her!” Ui cries, shoving him.

“It’s off because we are Washuus.” Arima Kishou storms his way in. Hirako, Shio, Yusa, and Rikai are on his left; Haise Sasaki and the Quinx at his right. “We have an abnormally high Rc count.”

His lips curl. “The result of interbreeding humans and ghouls. In test tubes.”

Ui grips the desk to keep from falling. “Hairu, is it true?”

Hairu nods. She slumps over in the Kijima’s arms. He must have special plans for a pregnant ghoul.

“Release her,” orders Arima.

“Do you have the authority, ghoul?” Kijima laughs.

“I’ll say he does,” Sasaki says, and Hirako affirms.

Ui meets Hairu’s eyes and mouths a word.

“Look!” Ui gasps and points behind Kijima.

The inspector whirls around, and Hairu punches him in the back of his head. She leaps into Ui’s arms.

“I don’t care what Hairu is or what our baby is. Get away,” Ui seethes.

“You’re surrounded by hybrids. I’d do as he commands,” Shio adds.

“Well, it’s happening. Congrats, you two are gonna bring down CCG.” Arima shrugs.

Ui cups Hairu’s face in his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was s-scared, Koori. I want you. The baby needs you.”

“And I need you both.” Ui embraces her.

“Hi.” Hirako waves his hand. “Hi, lovebirds. We have a Bureau to overthrow.”

Uncle Shio babysitting! With the help of Yusa and Rikai of course!

Shio is determined to be the best uncle.

Featuring Masanori, the Uihai child for @hamliet‘s “The (Mis)Adventures of GOAT.”

“Uncle Shio!” Masanori slides down the staircase railing to tumble at Shio’s feet.

“Be careful!” squawks Rikai, lifting Masanori off the floor.

Masanori giggles. “Always.”

“You mean never,” teases Yusa.

“Yup!” Masanori grabs Shio’s hands. “Will you play paint with me?”

“Play paint?” Shio frowns, but he soon learns that Masanori enjoys smearing paint all over people’s faces.

“We look like ogres!” announces the child with glee. His face is green and black.

“You’re a cute ogre,” says Shio. “Want a piggyback ride? We can go get ice cream.”

“Yesssss!” Masanori bounces up and down.

Sporting their creepy pair masks, the three Zero Squad children take turns lifting Masanori up, so he’s “almost as tall as Dad,” as they stroll to the ice cream store.

An elderly woman scowls at them, and Shio just gives her a sweet smile in return. People don’t like kids with ghoul blood. Shio hopes the world changes before Masanori grows up.

“Ghouls!”

“Happy ghouls,” Rikai retorts.

Masanori frowns. “Why don’t they like me? You said I’m cute.”

“You are,” Yusa says quickly.

“Some people are just scared of special people, like you.” Shio smiles. “They were scared of us, too. But we showed them.”

Masanori nods thoughtfully.

“Now, what flavor?”

Shio hopes the conversation is forgotten, because all he wants is happiness for his nephew. But as they’re walking home, Masanori returns to the old lady.

“Uncle Shio, I want to be like you,” says Masanori, chocolate smeared over his mask. “You’re so nice to stupid people.”

Shio melts internally. His eyes bug out. “I love you, Masanori!”

“I love you, too.” Masanori giggles and rubs chocolate onto Shio’s jacket.

I think Hajime needs some friends. Maybe a fun day with the zero squad kids?

Our boy needs serious friendship. And possibly a time-out.

Hajime kicks a stone. It skitters across the street only to be trampled by some unfortunate’s tires. Good.

“Hajime!”

Three kids he knew from the academy race up to him.

“Squad Zero.” Hajime frowns. “What do you want?”

He’s gonna be a ghoul soon. Partially. He can avenge Mom and Dad. It’ll be great.

He just hopes he’s not betraying them.

“Fun!” Shio stomps his feet.

“How are you?” Rikai smiles at him. Hajime is cute, though he can’t see it.

“Wishing I could be an investigator already. I wanna stop these ghouls.” He grins, then hesitates. “I’m sorry about Ihei Hairu.”

“Me too,” says Yusa, staring at the ground.

“Well. You should come out with us, then. Are you free this afternoon? Of course you are.” Shio tugs Hajime down the street. “Lots of investigators feel bad, so they give us candy or money. We’re gonna go eat hamburgers and the feast on the candy.”

Hajime hasn’t had candy in a long time. What if this is his only chance? Will his taste change after the surgery? He licks his lips. “Okay.”

“Hurrah!” Shio cheers, and Yusa hugs him.

“No mushy stuff!” Hajime yells.

“Oh, stop being such a turd.” Rikai opens the restaurant door. The smell of fresh burgers incites her stomach to growl.

“Are you happy as investigators?” Hajime asks, once they’re seated and drinking soda. He loves soda. Mom and Dad use to reward him with soda whenever he did good in school.

“Yes,” says Shio.

Yusa shrugs. “It’s okay.”

“I wish we didn’t have to kill,” says Rikai, and Shio’s face falls.

“So none of you are.” Hajime’s long since kissed happiness goodbye, but it still hurts. A life without happiness.

“We love our teachers.” Shio’s eyes mist over.

“I’m sorry.” Hajime remembers what it’s like to lose those you love. Maybe he’ll spend his Oggai money not on weapons, but – well at least partially – on more candy for his friends.